If you are a new Christian, like me, I am very happy for you. There are some things you need to know before you go another day. One is that the old ways may not go away from you easily with your new faith willing, full of happiness at your newly found faith.
There are a lot of pastors out there who will be very happy for you but turn out to be neglectful. They won’t tell you things that you need to know in order to grow through faith in God. There are things that will quickly rise up to take away your new peace and keep you separate from God.
The forces of evil, along with your old ways, can combine to stop you dead in your tracks. Do you have a habit you’ve found hard, if not impossible, to break? Is it part of your reason for turning to God for answers and acknowledging Christ as the one who takes away your sins?
And has some form of mental illness that kept you down still holding you in place, holding you like a prisoner?
Read on. This is for you. When I’m finished there are two videos I’d like you to watch, because I’m just not good enough to tell you the whole story of what you can do to avoid those snares that will be in your path.
Before you came to God, and before I did, it was easy. No sin was beyond our ability to do. We were ready to do almost anything. Any thrill, any crime, any act. Hey, we were up for it. Nothing mattered. Even if your wife or husband found out, that didn’t matter. A lie here and there, in the right spot, would make it go away. You thought, as I did, that you could lie your way through anything.
And we found out, didn’t we, that life just ain’t like that. A scorned wife or husband usually calls you out, and they will not forgive. In the movies, it’s different. But whereas a battered spouse will, out of fear and conditioning, stay with you, the cheated-on spouse never or rarely does. But sexual sin is especially difficult to align even in your own mind. You can’t get through it without guilt, that heavy feeling of regret, and knowing that you could have prevented it.
That never goes away on its own. You need Christ to wash a sin like that away. And if you have any kind of mental illness, it’s going to be more difficult. You’re not a lesser person than anyone else, but your circumstances are different and may make many things more difficult. You’re sometimes struggling just to live, and any extra problems that come up are almost impossible to bear.
I recently mentioned that because of my parents, I’ve had a lifelong addiction to porn. Magazines, 8mm films, DVDs, and finally, internet sites everywhere I go.
That is an enormous roadblock in your new quest to find and serve God. This is because of the mechanisms working in your brain while viewing porn.
The Oxford dictionary gives the act and definition of objectification as:
- the action of degrading someone to the status of a mere object.”the objectification of women in popular entertainment”
That’s it, exactly. I lied to myself. I told myself that I didn’t objectify women. It was a stupid lie; and I also said that it wasn’t their bodies I admired so much, but the whole person. I wondered who they were, what their lives were like, how they were doing. And it’s partly true; I cared about them more in recent years than when I was a teenager, sneaking the latest copy of Hustler Magazine into my room after work.
I cared. About trafficking and drugs and if they were willing.
But there was never a difference between the objectification and pretending to care about someone I’ll never meet. There isn’t any fine line between pretending to care and lust.
There can’t be. Something is either the truth or a lie. And the two don’t mix like you think they do. Mainly because God knows your every thought. We can’t hide from him even if we lie to ourselves.
And now it’s finally time to tell the tale:
In late 1994, after being separated from my ex-wife, I began an intense affair with a married woman. She shall never be named. But it began with infatuation, and the old hindsight would later tell me it shouldn’t have happened at all.
Because it was torture to us both, but when her family learned about it, they were understandably wounded.
The sex was as intense as our arguments. I kept asking her if we had a future. I got no answer, because of course we didn’t. But she wanted the sex to continue.
On and off for four years, this lasted. She used mental torment to keep me in line whenever I tried to end it. It was as sick and dysfunctional with her as it was with every woman I’d ever dated. In fact, it was the worst relationship I’ve been in except for the last girlfriend I ever had. Both became stalkers. I’d break up, and she’d send flowers. To my workplace.
This is but one of the reasons that the Bible warns us about committing sexual sin. Either one of those women could have killed me; others have died like this and will continue to do so.
For newly converted Christians, mental illness can take all the wind out of their sails. People like me who are gentle and fragile will attract those who seek out that fragility and exploit it. They see us as an easy mark, alone and vulnerable, and most of all, lonely.
And I do get lonely.
Thinking we are loved, we dive right in. And that person has a definition of love that is totally alien to the real thing.
Porn is every bit as bad, though, because you objectify others while engaging in fantasy and masturbation. Remember: God knows your every thought. You will be held accountable by God. Jesus warned that if a man looks upon a woman with desire, then he has already sinned with her in his heart.
The problem becomes one of focus, determination, and how well you can discipline your mind.
For guys like me, that’s a tall order. A lifetime has been spent in slavery to sex, lust, and porn. Having a mental illness makes it harder. Our minds are rarely disciplined. We are rarely able to focus. And our determination lasts until we see an ad for bikinis. Or a woman wearing one.
It’s curious that I have been so severely abused and yet pursued all kinds of perverted fantasies and desires. I should have ended up hating sex.
Schizophrenia is a disorder I know little about. I can’t speak to that. But personality disorders like helplessness can result in clinging to, or “smothering,” our romantic partners. We want to have someone who can take care of us when there’s trouble. Our greatest fear is abandonment. Once we’re in a relationship, that’s why we cling. And get jealous or suspicious always.
It ain’t no way to live, I can tell you that. It’s a prison in your own mind. And you make love into something it is not. Your partner will tire of you and never see you again, and the finality of it crushes you.
Bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress are the worst. A person with the latter will never function normally for very long. This time, the clinging is more prominent, and sometimes total dejection follows you everywhere you go and shows in everything you do. Sex can be followed by a heated argument you start. It even gets worse over time. In the end, you will always push others away to keep them from doing it to you first because you know it’s possible, or you even see it coming.
Even the view one has about normal sex is up for grabs because you and I were raised abnormally.
In my case, it showed in high school that I couldn’t function sexually without looking at porn.
But mental illness does not mean that you are doomed. In time, with therapy, you can improve.
But you’re also a new Christian. This is a critical time for you. The forces of Satan will dog every step you take. Don’t be fooled: there’s really a battle being waged between God and Satan over where you’re going after death. Pray as often as you can, and ask your pastor to pray for you. Ask anyone to pray for you. The prayers of the righteous will help. I know, I’ve seen the before and after pictures.
Jesus said, “If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it aside. It is better to enter the Kingdom of God blind than to go to hell with your eyes.”
He was speaking about lust. If you see a buff guy on the beach or a woman in a skimpy swimsuit, look away. If you can’t stop, then don’t go to the beach. You have no idea how many times I’ve had friends say, “It’s okay to look,” never knowing that it’s really a dreadful sin that isn’t much different than actually committing fornication or adultery. According to Christ, those are the same things.
My suggestion is to seek professional help and spiritual guidance. If what you get are honest people, then you’ll get real help. Medication, therapy, and the help of a good pastor who always has time to counsel you. Give them a chance because it can take a while to find the right meds and therapists. Typically, you’ll need three weeks to determine if a drug is working for you. Pastors these days may not be prepared to offer guidance of any consequence to the new Christian. Did you know that a random survey showed that internet porn is viewed heavily by pastors? Yes, it’s true, and it’s a huge problem. That sort of pastor is in his own hell and cannot help you. Keep looking until you find one willing to talk frankly about your problems without sending you away with pamphlets that are of no help.
This is a fight between good and evil for your soul. You cannot afford to have a half-hearted person “helping” you or to make the same tepid effort yourself. But you can’t fight mental illness and lust and porn by yourself. You’ll lose every battle. Instead, turn to God for your answers and let him guide you.
And remember: most Americans don’t want to talk openly about sex in any truthful manner. Sure, they’ll talk about exploits, conquests, and adventures. But those are people to run away from. Whether you desire celibacy or marriage, you first have to know what you’re facing in Satan, the dirtiest fighter in all of history. Then you have to accept that if you fight alone, you will lose and lapse back into sin. Your only chance lies with God. When you decided to give your life to him, you may not have been warned about what lay ahead. That’s a big problem in churches today. They collect the trays full of cash but give nothing in return but empty words. I don’t care for showy churches with small orchestra ensembles and huge choirs. If they sell anything like CDs of their own sermons on your way out, don’t go back. I compare this greed with what Jesus found in the temple courtyard. It’s thievery and a scam. And the pastors probably ogle every woman in that church without an ounce of remorse. None of this is okay. Flee from that church as you should flee from a nightclub, a place you, as a Christian, don’t belong.
Prayer
Abba, please help all who suffer and look to you for help, give them the strength they need, not to fight lust, but to run from it. We praise you and thank you for the gift of Jesus, in whose name we pray, amen.
May the Lord help you, bless you, and go with you this weekend and the week ahead. May peace be with you. Amen.
Memoirs of an American Christian 