Heaven

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I will not survive another decade. My health has declined to a point where, if I did survive, I would be unable to do much of anything. I do not forsee myself allowing this to happen. I have no wish to be a burden, nor to die screaming in pain. If my life has held so little honor and dignity, then I would like very much to have it end with some measure of it.

Of course assisted death may be unnecessary; the next heart attack would be too much for me to survive.

We all make decisions, millions of them, and some will always be very poor. Smoking and a poor diet have taken their toll and the damage is done. Mental illness from a traumatic and horrifying childhood has been a curse for all of my life. I have had quite enough of it. Yet, despite the physical effects that go along with it, I have tried to be patient with myself and others, and of late I have at least had the desire to gain honor; perhaps because I perceive it to have been taken from me, or to gain what I have never truly possessed. And someone told me not too long ago that the search alone is an honorable thing.

When I am gone, in ten years, I have no illusion that I will be remembered because only great men and women ever are; and that is sometimes good and sometimes terrible. I will be forgotten and that gives me peace now, something to keep me grounded.

Millions have come before me, to be left to history as nothing more than a name on Ancestry websites. Most did the best they could in an unforgiving world, under unforgiving conditions. Most lived and died with a quiet sort of honor, raising children and passing along wisdom gained through often unbearable pain. We could have learned so much more from them, but that is not the way of this life. We are left to ourselves to learn the greatest lessons through the worst of experiences. And that has certainly been my lot.

What comes next, I don’t know. Will I be allowed to spend eternity in Heaven? Will the bad outweigh the good and condemn me to the Pit?

How strong will my faith be on the day that I die?

“How we face death is at least as important as how we face life”– Admiral James T. Kirk

No matter what happens, I want all of my friends here to know, I realize that it has been difficult to follow this blog. I have rarely been positive, but my mission never changed. I pray that someone will still read my life and say, “If he survived, I can do it, and a lot more.” I’m thankful to have had you allow me to be a small part of your lives. That has been one of the greatest honors I have ever had. Thanks for everything. Be well.