I remember being a kid. I had a terrible time, in some ways had to grow up too early and that messed me up. But I like looking back on summer days that stretched into what seemed like weeks. I like remembering dappled sunlight on the road after a thunderstorm and how the street steamed and puddle jumping was warm and fun.
I remember Brenda Snead asking if I liked Dark Shadows and I didn’t know what it was. I remember her running home to watch it and how I was left out and left alone, standing in the sun until I got out dinosaurs and Army men and my imagination had them fighting a pitched battle.
I saw the world through eyes already weary of the cruelty and the craven, the terror and the nightmares. But if my development was interrupted, there was always make-believe and anything was possible.
That was 50 years ago. Half a century, a lifetime. So many horrors in my life have come and gone. Every day I look for reasons to keep going and find none. If I survive it is only my faith in God and my ability to, occasionally, look back at the world with my child’s eyes, making the complex seem so simple.
Brenda, I remember you all. Scott, Milt, Allen, who gave in to cancer, and Ronny and Guy and Barry, Sandy, Kerry, and many others, I’ll never forget you. There was a time when my life was a nightmare and without knowing it, you helped. What wonderful friends you were.
It is well that I can look back on positive things, the fun days of play, seeing through my eyes as they were back then, when the world was big, exploring it essential, and play was innocent and fun.
We all need to remember that we were children once, and in so doing, see through a child’s eyes because our grownup eyes have seen too much.
And if I didnt get to go kite flying, then at least I knew how a palace could be an orange box for a sister’s Barbies. But I did know how to be a cowboy fighting out a duel. And that was awesome.
Life is so fleeting. Find the eyes you had way back when and see through them once more.
Before it is too late.
Memoirs of an American Asshole 
A great reminder everyone can benefit from. I saw something that blew my mind yesterday. It said, it’s time to forgive yourself for everything you did when you were just trying to feel loved.
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Thank you. I needed that. I have trouble forgiving myself. I’m glad you visited. Be well.
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I’m pretty sure you have a lot less to forgive yourself for than you think, same as me. A lot of people don’t like the word ‘victim’, but I embrace it because it reminds me I bear no responsibility for what sick individuals did. For years I felt guilt that I did this or that to encourage the abuse I suffered, but then I saw a picture of myself at the age it started. I was SEVEN. I realized how sick it was that someone looked at me like that and how ridiculous those feelings of guilt were. I was a VICTIM. Those were CRIMES. There is a reason for laws to protect minors. We do not have the wherewithal to navigate those situations at those ages. I didn’t even know the words for what was happening to me, much less the kind of support system that cared enough or was skilled enough to figure it out. Let’s forgive ourselves for things we did while just trying to deal with the aftermath of our abuse and learn to navigate a cruel world alone.
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Thank you. Very well written and very true.
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