Conspiracy theories are often laughable and we have great fun at the expense of those engaged in spreading or just believing in them. We call them crazy, but There’s something awful to consider as well: they’re not harmless. Not even close.
JACK THE RIPPER?
Of course, that’s not enough to stop the constant recirculation of things both lurid and outlandish such as the maddeningly stupid royals of England stories. You think those are modern? Think again. My favorite involves Prince Albert Victor, the Duke of Clarence and Avondale, who some claim was a simpleton. Others believe he was insane because of syphilis and yet others believe he had impregnated a peasant woman, which would have caused a scandal of promethean proportions. Somehow the royal family physician (and accomplice) found out it was an east-end prostitute. That’s even worse. The shady doctor and his assistant trolled Whitechapel in a carriage, killing and mutilating prostitutes in the fall of 1888, giving birth to the terrorist Jack the Ripper. This theory, which gained popularity in the 1970s, was featured in the film Murder by Decree, a decent Sherlock Holmes flick starring Christopher Plummer as Holmes and James Mason as Watson.
Prince “Eddy” was actually said to be a nut, but to this day it’s bitterly challenged. As to being Jack the Ripper, he was not even in London between August and November of 1888 (although this doesn’t dismiss the doctor or other accomplice part). Other claims include Prince “Eddy” being gay and having visits at a male brothel, a ridiculous idea, and in fact he was engaged when he died of influenza in January of 1892. As in the Ripper film noted above, facts never stopped anyone from including Royals in literature and film. Mark Frost wrote a brilliant novel, not about Sherlock Holmes, but the author who created the character. The list of Seven is a page-turning yarn which involves Arthur Conan Doyle and his inspiration for the Holmes character chasing a group of people planning on bringing Satan’s child into the world. They planned on using Prince Eddy as an unwitting seed donor, but the story reveals he is unsuitable, as his IQ is that of a puppy.
The Duke of Clarence and Avondale was the Grandson of Queen Victoria and is otherwise not noteworthy; a name known more to the fans of fiction and conspiracy theories than to history. That’s sad.
KING AND QUEEN?
Then there’s Queen Elizabeth I. She was a man. She really died as a child and was replaced by a boy who grew up and impersonated her all his life. Holy crap.
THE ROYAL VAMPIRE
Prince Charles is a vampire, because he’s a descendant of Vlad Teppes, otherwise known as Vlad the Impaler (!or Dracula) because during his reign in Transylvania he would fight battles and have the captured or killed impaled on stakes all over the place. Charles made people suspicious by buying a home there and joking that he’d one day rule there as well. There’s no evidence that Teppes or Charles were and are vampires.
LONG LIVE THE GORN!
And Queen Elizabeth II is a cannibal or a reptilian creature disguised as a human, both of which preserve her health. No wonder she chased James Kirk for an hour in Vasquez Rocks park!
Holy mother.
TIME AFTER TIME
Greta Thunberg is a time traveler. Didn’t know that, did you? Well check this out.
Of course no one can explain why she came from the future and wound up gold mining in the nineteenth century if she was sent to stop global warming. Perhaps it explains why so many search Google for her net worth.
By the way, we haven’t heard from her in a while. Maybe she went back to the future to tell everyone what shitheads we are and that we wouldn’t listen.
WE ARE THE SOY BOYS OF RADIO, WE TOSS ESTROGEN TO AND FRO
Soy boys are a definite fucking no-go with me. This conspiracy theory comes straight from the alt-right. Which is a nice way of saying “the dust bin of psych wards”. You know, the ones always accusing the left of conspiracies? One of those is that soy is given to boys to boost estrogen levels to make them effeminate. Alex Jones said “Soon as you’re done with your juice box you’re ready to go out and make (have) babies.”
This, coming from the guy who sells perineum wipes.
IT TAINT WHAT YOU THINK
After John Oliver made extensive fun of the perineal “Combat Wipes” sold by Jones, HBO sold single wipes for one million dollars each. And what’s worse is that in both male and female, the perineum isn’t limited to the outer dermis in the area referred to as “taint”, or the place between the distal vagina and the anus or the penis and scrotum and the anus. The anatomical structures include internal musculoskeletal structures and organs in the region. Perineum is something more complex than Alex Jones can comprehend. That will never stop him, nor would it prevent people buying his bullshit after he’s scared them to death over a lie. You can’t cleanse the internal perineum with a wipe. And you don’t need wipes for your skin. Soap and water is good. Using a washcloth is cool too, but what the fuck, right? Soap is soap and water is water. If traveling, personal hygiene is sometimes a problem. Carrying spare napkins or tampons is good, and wipes too, but not the ones on infowars. Preparation H even makes wipes that are cool for both men and women who suffer from hemorrhoids, but it can be used to freshen up “down there” after a long uncomfortable flight or whatever. It should be noted that some people are a bit more fastidious concerning hygiene than others and really, to each their own. Not needing or using a moist towelette isn’t a crime. However, making men or women or both scared to death of failing to clean their perineum and selling wipes for that express purpose is a crime. It’s called fraud. Lawsuits haven’t stopped him. He promoted the conspiracy theory that no one died at Sandy Hook (Elementary School), that it was a false flag operation by the political left under the Obama administration to cause public sentiment to swing toward gun control. But he’s no good at advocating against gun control because during an interview with British Broadcasting he went psycho, yelling so much that the interview was terminated.
At least he wound up in court, as he should every time he opens his mouth. One time as a defendant he was found in contempt before any hearings began. Another time he claimed he was psychotic when he said something and had to apologize and retract.
But aside from promoting conspiracy theories that don’t hold water such as the New World Order (connection: the Bilderberg Group), Antifa, Parkland massacre being another false flag operation, tap water making men turn gay (and selling a $500.00 filter to remove fluoride even though fluoride does not make men turn gay), he’s paid the price. He’s been banned from using Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and more, has been banned from YouTube and spotify, a bunch of radio stations and has been successfully sued. Not only that, but his wife divorced him.
And still he could not be restrained; the state of New York issued a cease and desist order because he was selling toothpaste “containing silver” which killed the coronavirus. Dont worry, though. Alex Jones is a devious and crazy idiot who will never stop his conspiracy theories or fake cures. Stay tuned.
Speaking of the New World Order…
THE ORIGINAL SHIT
The Illuminati is the gift that never stops giving when it comes to conspiracy theories. We’ve gone from Bavaria in 1776 to the present and it just won’t go away. Beyonce and Jay Z are in it. Except the Illuminati wouldn’t take black people into their ranks as equals even if they were real. It’s rather like the John Birch Society. That’s a super-radical right-wing group, and those are just about as white as you can get. They don’t bother with political correctness and there’s little about them that’s subtle. The Illuminati wouldn’t last even if it ever did exist in America because of infighting. Greed is the prime motivator in the rich; they must gain and keep total control. And while corporate executives do conspire, no two will ever cede power to the other. The evidence says that the Illuminati do not exist.
IT’S ALL IN THE BAR CODE
Wayfair is that furniture store which still uses jingles in TV ads. Yeah, like it’s still 1970. Wayfair, you’ve got just what I need!
Except furniture is just a front for a third party selling children by coding in the numbers of very high-priced but low-end crappy tables and shit. Oh, brother!
CRAZY
And now let’s have a go at something with a bit more meat on its bones. According to Rudy Giuliani, “China owns the Biden crime family.” He’s off plumb by so much you can’t even see the bubble anymore. His own daughter is begging people to vote for Biden. There’s never been any evidence of Biden or his family being a crime syndicate. I’d laugh, but it’s not funny. Just plain stupid.
HUCKABEE HOUND
Last year Mike Huckabee said that CNN pays people to hate Trump. This is the basic mentality of the political right. He was angry because a CNN interview started with the reporter saying that outgoing spokesman for Trump, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, would be remembered as trump’s personal liar. Of course Huckabee, a real milquetoast, had to get in a comeback. But the accusation that CNN pays people to hate Donald Trump is ridiculous when people really do it for free.
YOU SHOULD GET THAT COUGH CHECKED OUT
Coughing through an interview on Fox after Trump returned to the White Taj Mahal, I mean the White House, Giuliani said the science isn’t always right and with a sniffle between coughs said science didn’t prove that closing schools was necessary. He said that more people died from suicide after the shutdown, without finishing out loud the insinuation that more people died by their own hands than the number of mortalities COVID-19 has.
Suicide?
Killed more than 260,000 people from January to October?
Really?
Hell. He’s so out there I can’t imagine whether he sees the Earth or Neptune under his feet.
But he’s in very good company with his old kissing pal, Trump. Remember when they did that skit? That’s when they still seemed human. And sane. It was funny. Nobody’s laughing with them anymore. They laugh at them. Trump has since broken records for manic, insane tweets in a 24-hour period. The previous record was set by… him.
TRUMP IS NOT SANE
First he tweeted that no more relief funds were going to happen unless he was reelected. Then he backed up and tweeted that relief had to be passed in Congress before the election.
The first crackpot theory was that all White House staff and advisors as well as the staff, doctors and nurses at the prestigious Walter Reed hospital center were in on a hoax. Trump was faking his malady and doing so to avoid the next debate. The worst part, for me, is that it’s coming from the left.
That’s so stupid it debunks itself.
First, let’s remember that Trump is superficial. It has always been about appearances with him. Did you not see him posing after returning to the zoo, I mean the White House? He did poses without his mask, with his suit jacket open and then buttoned. He turned slightly like he was on a red carpet. He looked like Mussolini for pity’s sake. This need to be perfect in appearance is responsible for his ride around the hospital parking lots during his hospitalization. It’s why he returned with orangeface when, in hospital that Saturday, he recorded a video of himself looking pale and with his hair combed back instead of what his daughter called a hilarious swirl when confiding to a friend.
He was obviously very ill. He had COVID-19 for sure. And he’s not well yet. I think an oxygen deprivation may have caused some damage. He lied and said the hospital stay was just a “precaution”. But according to Mary L.Trump, being sick is a sign of weakness in the Trump family.
The conspiracy theory comes as I said, from the political left. It’s because nobody can trust him after so many lies. He’s become his own worst enemy. The boy who cried wolf too many times.
DEEP THINKING IS NOT HIS STRONG SUIT. THE DEEP STATE AND ANTIFA
Trump believes in a “deep state” which is another version of the Illuminati. Except that Steve Bannon’s the asshole who told him about it and this illuminati is out to get Trump.
If there really were a deep state, they would surreptitiously run the government and could operate without any need to worry about Trump. Bannon was gaslighting Donald Trump as Trump gaslit America. And he recorded a video in which he asserted seasonal influenza kills more people than SARS CoV-2, a video removed by Facebook and hidden by Twitter, he’s clearly gone insane. The steroids and the virus have him more crazy than ever.
An·ti·fa/ˈan(t)ēˌfä,ˌanˈtēfə/noun
- a protest movement comprising autonomous groups affiliated by their militant opposition to fascism and other forms of extreme right-wing ideology.
The thing about antifa is that it’s more of an ideology than a real movement. There are pockets of militant anti fascists but they aren’t quantified or, to my knowledge, identified. It’s not even established that they’re anything more than vandals, arsonists and thieves. But Trump keeps throwing it at us and at Biden as if it’s the boogeyman of social unrest. His problem is that he believes in wild bullshit like Obama and Biden bugging Trump Tower. And he thinks Hillary Clinton’s emails were full of classified documents that were easily hacked. After numerous investigations, it was found that she had done no wrong. James Comey let it leak immediately prior to the election that she was once again under investigation, but Trump never understood that it worked in his favor. He fired Comey.
The Mueller investigation turned into a clusterfuck. Sessions recused himself from the entire affair, and Trump never understood that that also worked in his favor; Sessions would have otherwise caused a lot of trouble for Trump. This was before Barr came along and changed all the rules at will.
Still, Trump drones on about all the plots against him, with conspiracy theories that boggle the mind of anyone who is sane. He still swears there’s a leftist-controlled deep state. He just won’t let it go.
IT AIN’T NO SECRET
Drinking Corona beer will not give you COVID-19.
5G towers Do not spread the coronavirus.
Wearing a mask has been, along with social distancing, shown to be effective in preventing the spread of the coronavirus. Nothing about the shutdown was a lie. It was the only way we knew to react in an emergency situation that involved life or death.
Wearing copper or ingesting silver won’t kill COVID-19.
Injecting a disinfectant into your bloodstream will likely end your covid fears as you’ll probably die in agony within a minute or two.
Taking advice from Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani or any Republican at this point proves those who listen are not in touch with reality.
We know why people fall for conspiracy theories. In the past, a few were proven true. The CIA really did give people LSD, for instance. But the psychological allure of lurid and contrived tales is all in the brain. Talking or writing about them is addictive. Therefore dopamine and other delicious neurotransmitters flood their receptors and it feels good.
It’s exactly like opium for the masses. That’s why everyone but people with extreme paranoia can’t leave them alone. The extreme paranoids? They’re scared. They just get off on scaring the shit out of others.
Netflix’s algorithms seem to be a new entry point for conspiracy theories. Be aware!
https://www.cnn.com/2019/11/16/us/flat-earth-conference-conspiracy-theories-scli-intl/index.html
Memoirs of an American Asshole 
Hear, hear brother! Here’s a conspiracy theory for ya, I’m in Facebook jail AGAIN for the same “crime” of calling a hateful fake profile a “Russian troll.” Keep in mind I’ve done this dozens of times. But, I won’t be able to post until election day! 😉 Love ya Michael.
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Someone really has it in for you! If the profiles are fake, you’re being baited. Try to ignore them because I need you! Love you Princess!
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