FX Presents: “A Christmas Carol”. Have Yourself A Merry Fucking Christmas, And Pass The Xanax, Please

Yeah, I’m with the BuzzFeed dude reviewing “Home Alone 2”. It’s not for children. It’s got a sequence that tops the first film in the showdown between the Wet Bandits and Kevin, a genius who can get fucked over by his own parents two years in a row and turn his feelings of being unloved and rejected into a mercilessness worthy of Caligula and Nero combined. I need not go into the story, the BuzzFeed article is as accurate as it is funny. But considering what happened to the Wet Bandits in the first film, well, they died. They wouldn’t have survived half of what evil Kevin did to them, especially the bit with the paint cans. Of course at that point they have severe burns, internal bleeding, fractures, and their chase of Kevin McAllister was already over and they were dying anyway: https://youtu.be/sAyNfRGtrOc

But I’m not here to talk about the many iterations of the Home Alone series. Kevin would have suffered severe PTSD just from being left behind by his own parents: https://youtu.be/yh7-wAy_8ss

Make sure you stay til the end of the video.

And that’s not what I’m here for. Still not it. Oh, this is evil shit, but I ain’t started yet.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/home-alone-disturbing?d_id=1037300

Now on the surface, in the above trailer, the new FX film “A Christmas Carol” looks dark, gritty, perhaps even more scary than other versions, of which there have been so many, including one with Mr. Magoo. The cartoon Magoo, not the shitty flick that made diehard fans hate Leslie Nielsen. Everyone has their favorite Ebenezer Scrooge, every one has their favorite film version.

This ain’t gonna be it. It aired last night but Fox is threatening “encore” showings next week. Threatening is a harsh word, but worthy. Stay clear of this horror-filled, very adult version of the Dickens classic. It’s got nudity. The words “fuck” and “fucking” are used. And there’s more. I’m not sorry for spoilers at this point; I’m doing you a favor.

Ebenezer Scrooge, it turns out, was sexually abused by his headmaster. No, I’m not messing with you. Seems young Ebenezer’s old man was sadistic and pretty much “sold” the boy to the headmaster. Of course, his sister comes to get him after she and her mum likely murder the elder Scrooge. She’s not very subtle; when the headmaster protests, she sticks a pistol in his face.

But Scrooge suffers from PTSD and is filled with hate. He cannot thank nor ever love his sister. Nor his nephew, who ends up pissing on Scrooge’s grave.

The ghost of Christmas past is terrifying and makes Scrooge relive a time when Mrs. Cratchit is humiliated by him, made to strip, thinking he wants sexual favors for giving her the money to save Tiny Tim. She’s of color, and unforgivably stereotyped as an islander who swears revenge on Scrooge by summoning spirits (voodoo?) to torment him with the truths he cannot and will not be bothered with or by.

At that point I was counting on such a dramatic change in Scrooge at the end that the darkness of the film would give way to the proper ending.

But whoever wrote this shit was relentless. We get no payoff from suffering through such a ghastly tale. What happens is that Scrooge becomes fixed on saving Tiny Tim. He may or may not have been successful; we’re left without seeing the results of his effort. Mrs. Cratchit, who understandably hates him, sees him out and he refuses to apologize. Her last words are to the three spirits: “There is a lot of work yet to be done.”

The story has been called “infallible” by critics. It’s a tale you just can’t fuck up. Although I disagree, having seen Henry Winkler and Bill Murray slaughter Ebenezer Scrooge. Pretty much every version stuck to the story, and they’re all good. Personally, I favor the Reginald Owen and George C. Scott turns as the miserable old man. And leave it to Fox to do some sick shit like this with such a foolproof story. Somehow, I’m not surprised. Nor am I going to be able to forget this dreck. I leave you with one final thought: I would let my kids watch “Bad Santa” before I’d let them see a frame of this piece of shit.

And no, I wouldn’t recommend “Bad Santa” for children. You can understand, right? Now.

Who can spare some fucking Xanax?