My children were my reason to live.

I was supposed to love and protect them.

To show them the way —

But I failed.

I always failed.

Everything I ever did means nothing now.

It’s as if I never lived.

I wander through these days that have no meaning to me —

And I know I’ve lost my way.

All I have left to show is the path behind me of footprints filled with tears

Time does not heal,

The seconds turn to years

And in the absence of my children, my heart can’t take much more.

I hate the mess I’ve made.

And penance, I don’t deserve

because I always failed the ones who loved me most.

and my worst failures were lethal.

My body is surrendering,

and my mind is full of everything dreadful in the past or yet to come.

I see no hope, I have no peace,

and a broken heart can never heal

It bleeds without slowing, a wound I can never hide.

If I had known it would be like this,

I’d have kept them by my side

If I had, would they have lived?

I join so many who also cry:

“If only I had known.”

Beth died in July. Mike died on Valentine’s Day

And on those days each year

is when I cry the most. This year, I cry too much,

Which is to say, never enough.

A father without his children 

is not a father anymore,

and maybe he is not even

a man at all.

*******************

In loving memory

Elizabeth Renee Smith 1983-2012

Michael Smith “Junior”  1988-2018

Neither one saw their 30th birthday

And I know that I’m to blame.