I just woke up. About 01:30 local time. Somewhere in the afternoon hours I tried again to watch El Dorado, a classic John Wayne flick. I don’t remember getting very far. I’m like that lately. Hell, I’ve fallen asleep playing video games, waking hours later with my glasses and headphones still on, the controller still in my hands. My health declines; to improve I’d have to die.

I’m not complaining. After all, I’ve pretty much sought death all my life. Why I fought on is beyond me; it’s something I can’t control. Winding up in ICU on a ventilator after a suicide attempt, several times, I fought back. Why the hell would I do that?

Heart surgery nearly killed me. I was supposed to be in for three or four days, instead ending up in an induced coma for two weeks. I was groggy and weak when I remember being helped to a chair and a meal, and a doctor saying “You’re my hero. You look better every time I see you.”

But that meant I’d have to have been nearly dead. They were all reacting with surprise. Why?

I remember pointing to the tube several times when they brought me up. A nurse said, “Forget it, Mike, it’s not gonna happen.”

A nurse, on seeing me try to eat, said they were sending me to a nursing home for physical therapy. I was too weak to go home. But before I could leave, I had to take a shower. I did. They gave me a kit and I found a razor and shave cream. So I shaved. This absolutely stunned my nurse. I wondered why. That’s when I knew I’d been close. Real close. But I fought. I fought the tube and the catheter. I clawed my way until the Styx was far behind me.

What makes the human spirit so indomitable? Have you ever read a story of incredible survival against all odds? Like the one about someone surviving days at sea in a cooler? Or journeys that traversed long distances through enemy lines?

If God gave us the spirit to endure, I have one question. Don’t worry; I’m not mocking God.

I’m asking why it is that if we’re so bent on survival, our species is in imminent danger of becoming extinct.

Because that’s true, and we are in danger. Beyond philosophical questions, I want to know: why are we bent on destroying every human life on Earth?

Well, let’s put aside climate change for a minute. That’s the Big One.

Let’s start with this little item here. Because even if you’re of the mind that “homosexuality” is a sin, and the priest got what he deserved, remember one fucking thing: you are in the crosshairs too. And even if you don’t go to dating sites or porn sites, everything you do, and everywhere you go, and everything you say is monitored. Can be looked back on and taken apart by more than mere hackers. Your boss, your landlord, or anyone else can track where you go and what you say, even in chat. And you may deny it and say it’s impossible, but it won’t change the fact that it definitely is possible and it is a widespread problem and people are losing jobs and residential places for rent. It goes beyond that, though.

Imagine someone using it to stalk a celebrity, whether for blackmail or physical harm. Or for disclosure to the public a little at a time, the ultimate terrorism. Imagine being in such a situation and not knowing what’s going to be revealed next, and no one has contacted you; they don’t want money, they want to destroy your career, erode your fanbase, compromise your very soul.

Because that’s what’s happening.

I grew up in a time when things I said or did got back to my father, who beat me and tortured me mentally with leading questions. That’s not growing up, that’s living through hell. And to this day I wonder how he found out certain things.

He got people to spy on me. He paid them for their sneaking around. But that doesn’t account for every single time. And think about it. Other people went through much worse. People have snitched on others since the spoken word was invented. Sometimes for a superior position, sometimes for money, sometimes under duress, and sometimes for no other reason than that they were total dicks.

So you see, in this age of high tech, you’re not safe. You are your own worst enemy. You got comfortable. Complacent. Familiar. Dependent.

There’s nothing more or less that I’ve said than the honest truth. There’s no paranoia. No, you don’t need to be paranoid to realize that you have enemies. They spy on you every minute of every day. You think they need a keystroke logger? How about a warrant? Forget it. All they need is the proper app or other exploit. They have you cold.

The priest in question here had the undeniable right to privacy in his personal life. That was taken from him and the information used against him in a savage manner. What he did is not described as predatory, or having to do with minors. He used a dating app and frequented gay bars. The Catholic Church has acted in a way I find more sinful than any sin they think the priest committed. They used private information to destroy him.

It could happen to you, too. Keep in mind, our government isn’t keen to change the status quo.

Your right to privacy is an illusion.

I suggest you accept that and consider what you can do to minimize the damage you can be inflicted with, for we are in the Age of Ultimate Treachery.

My health is bad. I will not live to see where this will all end up.

I may have fought like hell to live in the past, but soon, that fight will leave me. I feel it coming. I’m fortunate. You have to stay here. You have my sympathy and my prayers.