Tag: losing friends you never wanted to lose

Today Is Not A Good Day

Today is not a good day.
Today I am in more pain than yesterday. I feel like being mean to others because I am hurt and I am angry.

I am angry because I hurt. I see no reason to hurt. I feel I don’t deserve to hurt. I think that maybe I have had too much pain in my life. Too much hurt.

It’s okay if I feel that way. People can take a lot of pain but in truth, there’s times when it gets worse than I can bear.

I don’t think it makes me weak. I don’t think it means I’m a bad person. I think it means that I’m human, and nothing more, and nothing less.

I think it’s okay for me to be angry at Donald Trump for making Congress and the Senate limit the stimulus money to so little money for individuals. I think people aren’t sure who to blame for it when it really is Trump who wouldn’t sign the bill if it was different.

I think people are angry because they’re scared. They don’t have enough money, and they’re out of work, and they get worried that they will not be able to stay in their homes and apartments, and it’s okay to be scared. And it’s okay to feel angry.

But sometimes we need to do something with that anger so it doesn’t make us sick because too much anger inside is a very bad thing.

You can go into the woods and scream at the sky. You can take a walk and end up running even if you’re not dressed for running.

I don’t think it’s okay to be mean to others just because they believe in things you don’t. That already causes enough trouble. It’s always made all of our problems worse.

So you can see why I’m angry too. I’m in pain and I’m very angry. I’m also very sad. It’s a lot to try to control all at once. And that’s how life works.

But why am I angry? I don’t know. Maybe because of the pain. Maybe from my memories. Maybe from something else too.

And why am I sad? I know some of the reasons. One is that my children are not alive now. Unnatural death of a loved one hurts and shocks us and we never get to say the things to them that we meant to say. Things like “I love you”, or “I’m sorry I didn’t do better”. They leave us with no feeling that we can put it behind us and deal with our sadness that they’re gone. A lot of people talk about something called “closure” and I don’t know what they mean by that.

Because after someone we love is gone from our lives, we feel the same way no matter what. Sad and angry and very hurt. And I think they need to see that it’s okay. No one ever leaves our lives without taking part of us with them and leaving questions that we ask unanswered. It’s a part of life.

But that’s okay.

And what we do with our anger and our sadness can change the whole world. Sometimes that happens. A person who feels sad all the time can be famous. Like Abraham Lincoln. He had a lot of sadness and anxiety. He had trouble sleeping because of it. Yet today the United States exist because of what he did with his sadness and his anger.

Some people wrote beautiful poems and concertos because they were so sad. And we never stopped loving them because we still read those poems and listen to music when we feel sad. The right words and the right notes can make us cry, and that can help heal pain and sadness.

I think doing nothing at all is okay too. Some people just need to rest and sleep. That’s a big part of life.

Later on, those who rest will do things that might even change the world. That’s a blessing. Out of pain and anger we can all be healed. The things that hurt us the most are the things that make us what we are and who we are.

We all need to heal as Christmas is upon us, and I think it’s okay to play the songs we love and put up lights and give a gift, even if it is not much to you. To someone else it will mean a lot.

It’s also okay to dream. Good dreams about what we will do when we feel just a little bit better. It’s okay to dream about Santa Claus and flying reindeer and it’s okay to believe in unicorns and fairies and magical things.

It’s okay if you have pain. It is a part of life. Even death is a part of life. It is okay to be angry. So angry that you feel like hurting yourself or someone else.

What matters is what you do with that pain and anger. That’s up to you.

It always will be.

I feel angry today. I’m in a lot of pain, way too much. I don’t like it.

But I think it’s okay anyway. Tomorrow I might be able to handle it better. I might not even have this much hurt.

I Wish My Friend George Was Here…

Three years ago today. I’ve been thinking of late, wondering how long it’s really been. I couldn’t tell, couldn’t remember. Although I’m in “Facebook prison”, my memories are visible; I just can’t comment on or like posts, or set out anything new. But at least I got to see this.

3 years ago…

I just went outside to smoke. My good friend George (it’s strange, isn’t it, that everyone should have a friend named George?) came walking past with his morning Starbucks. He wanted to know how I was doing. He knows I’ve had a rough time lately. But when I answered him, he said, “I kind of knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but I’m meeting my wife at 12 to be put into a nursing home.”

Shock. I just asked, “Why?” But I knew. I just couldn’t fathom how fucking heartless she really was.

“Well, I’m gettin’ to where I can’t do a lot of the things I used to do.”

What do you say to something like that? I knew he’d been diagnosed, and I’d seen him once when he looked like he really was lost. One day he walked past me and didn’t recognize me at all.

It was only months ago. In the summer. He would come by while walking his dog, and stop for a visit. I fed his dog bacon treats, and it had taken two years for me to get her trust; she was a particular kind of hunting dog and her instincts were sharp. She was always on guard.

George talked about painting, taking a class at Howard County Community College. He told me how he used to work on defense systems for fighter jets at Northrup Grumman. He programmed a flight simulator that was really groundbreaking. He’d been all over the place doing so many good things.

I gave George my phone number. Of course, I’ll want to visit him, but I know he won’t call. I know I’ll never find him. I know I just said goodbye to him for the last time. Very soon, George will not be George anymore.

I already miss him. I’m already crying hot tears that mock me while they roll down my face. Big, burning tears that tell me I’m weak, that I got too close, and once again, I got hurt. That I should never open my heart, or wear it on my sleeve the way I do. That I am a fool and a cupcake.

I’m not just crying for myself, though. I’m not that selfish. I cry for George, because of all the unfair things that can happen to a human being, this disease may be the most unkind. To lose one’s own identity and life’s memories a little at a time is a cruel, vicious fate.

I’ll miss him terribly. Today the world is a sadder place. And once more, my heart is broken…

****

And that was three years ago. I never saw George again. His wife still walks by with the dog, but I can’t even pet the animal who still looks back at me when they’ve passed by. Dogs never forget. She knows I’m a friend, but she doesn’t understand why I don’t rush up to her, bacon strips in hand, ready to give a neck scratch. George’s wife never seemed to like me much. She doesn’t like me near her dog.

I don’t care. I miss my friend. I think of him often, and I wonder if there are any days left when he remembers me. I wonder if he still paints. I wonder a lot of things.

I surely do miss my friend George…