FALLING

Two days ago…

I was in the bathroom. I stood up from the toilet, began to pull my trousers up, and I got dizzy. Then I found myself draped over the side of the tub, a pain in my right side. I knew I had passed out. I slowly got up, carefully. My head was hyper-clear.

I’ve felt that before. It is a bad sign.

I leaned against the wall and towel rack and I knew it was happening again. A wave of dizziness and pain in my lower back. My legs grew weak and I felt like peeing.

Then I saw colors I can’t describe and thought that this time I would die.

I found myself on the opposite side of the bathroom near the wall. Everything hurt. My head would not clear so I stayed down this time. My right side had something wrong with it. Like a rib was out of place. Not broken, not bruised. Out of place.

Two years ago an MRI revealed degenerative disk disorder. The pain had been promethean. My advantage plan denied that I needed the scan no matter what it showed and denied coverage. They also denied that I needed follow-up care. I was trapped. Aneurysms were also evident. Two aortic, one lower. My doctor sent me for a CTI scan. The Johns Hopkins Healthcare Advantage plan denied coverage for that as well. Again I was stuck. They were never going to pay for any portion of follow-up care and diagnostics. They couldn’t care less if I died.

For two years now I’ve received denials for anything I’ve had done. They even send me monthly blank denial of payment forms. It’s the shittiest way any insurance company can ever treat a client. It’s harassment and insult on top of everything else shitty that they do.

For two days I have restricted myself to bed rest. Lots of clear fluids, very little food; my appetite is worse than ever. I weigh 170 pounds in full clothing including waterproof tactical boots and winter jacket. Most of my lean Mass is gone.

In this state I believe that a collapsed disk sometimes causes a major nerve to be pressured. Along with nerves there are always veins and arteries. I believe they too get pressed. Less feeling in my legs, incredible pain in the spine and an interrupted blood flow to the head: I pass out.

It’s been ongoing but I didn’t know why until the back pain got worse.

I am on the road to being a cripple — or dying.

I’m already crippled. I can’t walk without a cane, but since I was small, I’d get these visions — just flashes — of my older self in a wheelchair. The reason I knew it was me was that I always saw this in a first-person perspective.

I know giants confined to wheelchairs, and yet I know I wouldn’t be one of them. I would be placed out in the streets or some barbaric nursing home. And I’ve already sworn that because people die in those places, I won’t go. It ends for me before that happens.

I have always, even when I didn’t know it, been a fighter and a survivor. I even fought my own attempts to end my life. But even so, there may come a time to surrender. It may be soon. It may not come to that. There is no way to tell right now.

My spine is going to collapse one day. If I’m lucky, I have another heart attack in my sleep and die first.

Later today I will see my principal doctor. My expectations are nil. No matter.

And no matter what sudden thing may happen, I’ve been honored to have you read my life, and I hope you pass on what bits of my experiences you deem worthy. Because what makes this life worth living, no matter our struggles, is the joy of helping and loving each other. My faith in God and His Son will see to the rest.

JH Medicare Advantage: Avoid It!

We’ve just begun the summer. Well, almost. It will be over by the time we can start looking for new insurance for 2023. But I’m ready now.

The Johns Hopkins HMO Medicare advantage plan costs, where others are free. That name and the premium was why I took it. But since it went into effect on January 1st I’ve had nothing but trouble. I keep getting Denial of Payment notices. In addition to simple co-pays I get the notices. Basically they don’t pay for anything. The CTA scan I found out belatedly that was indicated by the MRI showed no immediate danger. According to someone.

This time instead of denial on the laughable premise that I hadn’t gotten doctor approval, something astounding was listed for the reason: I didn’t need it.

Unprofessional in the extreme, it said the “artery in your belly (is) fine.”

Which artery? Because I don’t know what that means. More than one down there.

I called customer service. I was treated as a dummy and a lowlife. Worst customer service experience I’ve ever had. Condescending and rude, he basically told me to “disenroll”. Is that even a real word?

I don’t care.

I was accused of ignoring texts. The last one in February. Three. They send you three. Then they take your money and send letters cordially inviting you to suffer. Oh, and by now it’s too late. They won’t tell you what those texts said.

Medical insurance is a joke, a very sick joke. It’s basically corporate fraud. Johns Hopkins Medicare insurance should be avoided. There are free plans that don’t screw you this badly, nor talk to you as if you’re a cow pie with a voice box.