Wanna stop telemarketing calls? Even if you’re on the so-called “do not call” list, you’re going to get them. For recorded calls there’s only one thing to do, and that’s make a complaint, and most don’t bother.

But if you get someone live, you’re in for a treat. There’s so much you can do to make them so miserable that they will put you on their own no-call list.

Man: (Indian, Pakistani) I’m calling you about your past due accounts. If you please tell me your last four digits of–

Me: What are you wearing?

Man: Excuse me sir, I’m trying to get your account straight here, and I just need to get–

Me: What are you wearing, boxers or briefs?

Man: Sir, you are being very rude. You have to be professional–

Me: No, I don’t, you do, but if you tell me what you’re wearing, I’m sure your colleagues won’t make a big deal out of it. You sound like a briefs man to me. Am I right?

Man: Sir, that is very wrong. I must have the last four digits of your social security number!

Me: Why? You’re calling me about an account, and you don’t have anything but my name and phone number? I’ll bet you’re really hung. Measure it for me, just real quick.

Man: Sir, we can not share intimate–

Me: Well you want personal information from me, I think it’s only fair that you give me some idea of your penis size. Why is that too much to ask?

Man: Sir, you must know that this call is being recorded.

Me: You’re scamming me and you’re gonna do what? Take me to court for asking how big your dick is? I think you’re a little guy. You’re compensating, aren’t you? You got a little dick–

CLICK

Next caller: (recording) “It is urgent that you call us right away to ensure that you qualify for 4.2% interest on your Visa card. Please press 1 to speak with a representative.”
I press 1.
The unaccented English is replaced by Bangladesh-Paki-Indian one. “How can I help you today?”

Me: I don’t know, you called me.
Scammer: Are you calling about the credit for your Visa/MasterCard? (How many scams are run out of that office if he has to ask?)

Me: I don’t have any.

Scammer: You have American Express card, sir. (I had a prepay card but stopped filling it)

Me: How’d you know that?

Scammer: I have your information right here.

Me: Then why’d you ask? You scamming me?

Scammer: Sir, I’m trying to help you.

Me: What are you wearing?

Scammer: ……………

Me: Come on, what are you wearing, boxers or briefs?

Scammer: You are an idiot.

Me: I’m wondering if you’re hung.

Scammer: I fuck your father! (I’m not certain he meant to say that)

Me: And I did your mother last week.

Scammer:…………………..

Me: Whatcha wearing? Wait. I don’t wanna know. I think you got a little dick. I think you’re angry and you’re compensating.

Scammer: ……………………

Me: Come on, I can hear you. It’s okay to be angry. You should try meditation, get in touch with your feelings.

Scammer: Fuck you

CLICK

It may be foul and inglorious, but HE won’t be calling again.

And a favorite:

Me: Hello.

Caller: I’m trying to reach (my name).

Me: (trying to sound old and confused) Is Albert there?

Caller: What?

Me: Is Albert there?

Caller: Who the hell is Albert?

Me: (hesitation) I’m looking for Albert.

Caller: (slightly agitated) Who’s Albert?

Me: (very confused voice) I’m looking for Albert.

Caller: I called you.

Me: Well, is Albert there?

Caller: No!

Me: Well…I’m looking for Albert.

Caller: (angry man for sure at this point) There’s no one here named Albert, so stop asking for him!

Me: Well….when will he be back?

Caller: (furious now) Will you shut up about Albert? I called you, dumbass!

Me: (hesitation, confusion, delay) Well how can I reach Albert then?

Caller: (haughty, mocking, still pissed) You’re either fucking with me or you’re crazy!

Me: I’m not a homosexual, so I don’t wanna fuck you.

Caller: I–goddam it, you’re crazy!

(click)

I’ve used the “Albert” strategy several times with success; nobody I’ve used it on has ever called back.

Remember that you must never give any personal information to anyone. Especially not over the phone.

While we’re all caught up in the coronavirus, sequestered and scared, I thought I would post something with a bit of levity, but I have to tell you something pretty awful. Scammers have switched from usual routines and are selling home-testing supplies for COVID-19 detection. There is no such thing but people are scared and they’re falling for it. Utilize caller ID, if it can be set to detect spam, and don’t forget that scammers have fake IDs. Hell, I got one from FiOS once. It wasn’t FiOS.