Losing the Fight?

Every time I forget to keep it down and I speak in a normal voice, it hurts. My voice goes to a painful whisper.

I’m losing my battle.

Lately I sleep day and night. I’m exhausted. Depression weakens me further, takes my energy away and leaves me in helpless despair.

I don’t want you to pity me, I have no need for sympathy. I want you to look back on my archives (they go back to 2019) and learn from me. About mental illness. About heartbreak. Betrayal. Of my outrage at the state of my country (United States)and how we have alienated allies and trade partners by letting a president be a boob and a bully.

Looking back, you’ll see my brushes with real evil, something people like to refer to as “the supernatural,” which is really a part of our natural world that we can’t understand.

I don’t think we’re meant to understand everything. Sometimes, God wants us to trust him for help and guidance. Without God, this existence makes no sense, and I have yet to hear one argument by an atheist that was able to shake my faith, or, for that matter, make any sense.

I want you to read about mental illness from one who has endured it all his life. Learn where you can, what you can, and give me the benefit of the doubt. Don’t close the link too fast; there’s something here for everyone.

Humor, demonic encounters, being an Army “shitbird,” child abuse, great tragedy through loss, heartache at a life I should have lived, but never had a chance to, and more. I’ve done movie reviews, videogame reviews, talked about dumb criminals, and more.

I’d be honored to have you stop by and see me in my raw, unplanned posts that reveal my mental illnesses. Before I go, please take advantage of what I’ve been through and learn. If nothing else, at least see where I’ve been and the horror I’ve known. Please sign in and “like” (hit the little star at the bottom so I can know you were here. Share links. I’ll gain nothing but you may gain a crude understanding of what happens when children are beaten and raped by their own parents. See how I climbed out of the pit of racism, taught to me by my parents. How I had to choose to climb that ladder.

Most of all, see what smoking has done to me. I’ve killed myself.

My life wasn’t always a nightmare. There were good times when I know someone was praying for me, and God answered those prayers with miracles.

I’ve lived a hard and bitter life. I don’t want anyone to trace my steps. I don’t hate anyone enough to wish that on another.

And remember: hating someone poisons your soul, not theirs. Hate will drag you to Hell.

I’ve overreacted to the news lately. As I’ve said, it’s a trap, the figurative equivalent of quicksand. I said I hated someone. Left comments I regret. Ugly ones.

That’s the only way I can truly lose this fight.

The battle to save my body was over before I was aware that it was this bad.

The fight for my soul is another thing. I don’t plan on losing it.

I’m not losing the battle. No, I’m not going down there.

A Poem to Make You Think

“You lived next door to me for years;
We shared our dreams, our joys and tears.
A friend to me you were indeed,
A friend who helped me when in need.

My faith in you was strong and sure;
We had such trust as should endure,
No spats between us ever rose;
Our friends were like – and so, our foes.

What sadness, then my friend, to find,
That after all, you weren’t so kind,
The day my life on earth did end,
I found you weren’t a faithful friend.

For all those years we spent on earth,
You never talked of second birth.
You never spoke of my lost soul,
And of the Christ who’d make me whole!

I plead today from hell’s cruel fire,
And tell you now my least desire –
You cannot do a thing for me;
No words today my bonds will free.

But do not err, my friend, again –
Do all you can for souls of men.
Plead with them now quite earnestly,
Lest they be cast in hell with me!”

— John Masaitis

Sedevacantism I Reject Out of Hand. Demons are Real. And the End Times Loom Closer than Ever.

Here are some truths people dismiss because they’re afraid, can’t face facts or for thousands of other reasons.

First. The Pope is who the Church elects. You can’t just say he’s not for whatever reason you may have; that’s rather arrogant. And looking at two times that two groups declared their current Pope was invalid and then seeing people fighting so much that they go off and start their own churches seems dangerous to me.

Doctrine changes because of things like this. When men decide what scriptures mean or do not mean, they’re playing with fire.

The fires of Hell. That’s a capital H because I just named a place. And it’s a real place.

In the following link, which you can view right here, there’s a radio program I challenge you to listen to, all three hours of it. Because it should terrify you.

It terrified me, and that’s not a small feat. If you’re new here or haven’t been around, then I invite you to look through my archives. I was once defined by fear; I was a coward and a weasel. I had pain inflicted on me and I inflicted pain on others. Without remorse for a while, because I was already too full of guilt to take on any more of it.

Guilt like that which is felt by all who suffer sexual abuse. Why victims blame themselves comes from a sense of inner pain that is far too intense to deal with. It also comes from any pleasure felt during the act. Violation should never feel good, but the truth is, it happens. And also it comes from the violation, but the guilt is misplaced even so. No child asks for abuse. But the flesh can sometimes be stimulated and it’s not our fault. We are not machines. We’re alive.

I had the blessing in the midst of my abuse of being made to attend church services and Sunday School. And I learned some things.

After an assault or particularly intense flogging I had someone to talk to. And this is important: once you have seen how horrible evil really is, you can easily believe in God. You must. Because there’s no way that evil, as in a Lucifer or Satan, can exist without God to keep him in check, stop him from tearing us all apart. And I knew that Satan couldn’t have created such beautiful things as this wonderful world and our universe. Only God, only a supreme being of light and love can have ever done that.

Yes, I once condemned the Catholic Church, but have I that right?

Of course, not in any mortal sense, but spiritually and morally. If I believe something to be wrong, shouldn’t I voice that belief?

Wait. What if I have different feelings now?

Then I should voice that as well. And here’s what it comes down to: I don’t know enough to say what’s correct or wrong. I just know that I believe in God.

But the Father in Art Bell’s radio program was a Catholic priest and an exorcist. I consider his words wise, but they terrified me. Like listening to him, without seeing anyone, I was getting a peek at how dangerously I had lived, and how utterly void of anything humanity can or should be, demons really are.

And my archive contains a lot of demonic stuff. But it happens that over time, my respect for how powerful and dangerous demons really are has faded. They’re good at making you do that. And I found myself equally confused and off the path.

As I listened and couldn’t stop, I recalled the demon in my room when I was a small kid. I remember the terror it caused, even though I didn’t know what it was. I could tell that it hated me. Oh, yes, I felt it. The priest talks about generational attachments and even possessions. For the first time, I knew what to call it. What had dogged me all my life.

A generational attachment. My parents were afflicted with many demons, and even if they never encouraged or practiced satanic rites or sacrifices, and indeed encouraged us kids to attend church, they did commit sexual, physical and psychological abuse on a scale I still can’t describe. It’s too painful for most people to read. They get overwhelmed and refuse to believe it.

That’s a concern in another area as well. So many people still believe that the third prophecy of Fatima hasn’t been fully disclosed. Could it be that, as it is, the prophecy isn’t terrible enough? Or are they scared and wish that there was more hope contained in it?

And if so many are adamant that the devil doesn’t exist, then what do they care about a prophecy?

Father Malachi addresses that, too. He said that he found that people who don’t believe in Satan have no faith in God, either. Their faith is crumbled to rubble.

Yes, I will tell you that God is real. His son Yeshua of Nazareth is real. And it’s almost time for his return, but not yet.

Because Satan and demons are real too.

Current world affairs are leading to it, sure enough. The Colombian president sent Trump a message full of logic, reason and truth. The truth is something Trump hates, because he lies all the time. But he can be reasoned with, to a miniscule degree. Or at least threatened.

The outrage at home and abroad have delayed his harsh tariffs or taxes on imported goods from Canada and countries in Central and South America.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk, once the butt of a thousand jokes, has compromised every single United States citizen. And then told what he did.

When something like that is thrown in your face, you need to know that the gig is up.

Prices keep rising, and it’s partly Trump’s fault. Maybe it’s all his fault. I don’t know, but he sure isn’t helping us.

On Twitter, or X, Musk wrote that anyone who posts anything negative about Trump will be suspended. A sign of an alliance the likes of which has not been seen since Adolf Hitler and Heinrich Himmler. And they’re talking mass death already: starvation, exposure, persecution and much more.

First on their list was Hispanic people, and some have reportedly already been flown to Guantanamo Bay for internment. This is really happening.

Now, Trump wants to occupy Gaza and turn it into a resort. Can you believe that? How evil could you get?

But the signs of a coming conflagration, like that described in The Book of Revelation, have been getting more glaring in the past decade. The prices, the evil embraced by voters, the corruption and vice, the irreversible damage to our world, all are leading to one thing: God’s judgement on humanity.

There are people, as Father Malachi Martin says, who don’t fear Hell. On the contrary, they look forward to it.

I don’t have the capacity to process that one. I know that anyone willing to give themselves to Satan will find that Hell was not worth it after all, for one year spent with a blonde beauty.

Yes, you can make deals with the devil. You might get what you so desperately want, but either way, in the end, you lose.

And you can’t take it back. Not that.

Anyway, here are the late Art Bell and Father Malachi Martin. The call takes place in 1996. I remember the year well. But with the situations we have now, I wonder: if they were here, how differently would their conversation go?

Get yourself comfortable, brew a nice cup of coffee or tea, and soak in the most profound interview I’ve ever heard, and may God bless you.