At 15:30 this afternoon, an incident near the Washington Monument took place: https://share.google/P8gZndm9FvSEc9NKk

I have something to confess, even though anyone who reads these posts of mine may already be aware of it.

I’ve lived a hard life, like most of you have. Mine may have been for different reasons, but hardship is universal; it wears us down no matter how it started.

In my case, brainwashing was a big part of my parents and their abuse and conditioning of all of their children. Eight of us.

I’m no longer in touch with any of my siblings, after one too many times being ghosted. I know that it happens for a reason, and I’m fine with it, but I wish that any one of them would have just told me to go screw myself. Because that’s not nearly as hurtful as being ignored and excluded.

That said, none of us are exactly… normal.

Beatings, as very small children, with our father’s thin leather belt plus sexual abuse of every kind on everyone, girls and boys alike, has left a lot of damage.

I don’t carry a grudge or anger, and there is nothing to forgive. They just won’t ever see me or hear from me again. I hope that’s what they were trying for, because after a point, I don’t go back for more.

However….

I have been, as a result of years of terrorism in the house, while growing up–threats of abandonment (I was 8) to the oft-repeated promise of dropping me off at a mental hospital, and more — made bend very easily to the speech and emotions of others.

There are still times today when I get caught up, when I’m easily led astray, and hateful speech or writing, particularly on social media, sway me to get abusive and hateful myself.

This goes against my mild nature, the spirit in me that animals sense, and makes dogs eager to approach me and make friends with me, while birds seem to know I’m not a threat, and even cats “talk” to me.

It’s a spirit that I fought hard for. It’s how I wanted to be when I realized that being an asshole was nothing to brag about, and that assholes are lonely, miserable people.

This resulted in a tug-of-war between good and bad people in my life who didn’t even know what they were doing to me. And it really messed up my mind.

Of course, CPTSD and a learned behavioral disorder (not BPD) put me on a rollercoaster which defined my days, even hours. My life since has seen tragedy and unbearable loss, and yet I’ve been forced to bear it. I’m not proud of anything I’ve ever done in or with my life. A life of severe dysfunction and pain.

In the past months, I’ve slipped away from being the man I was, the one I finally succeeded in becoming, and I have been caught up in hateful speech against those I see running my country into the ground.

I don’t even remember half of the crap I’ve said.

I regret everything hateful I’ve said. Every sentence I’ve written that was negative and evil.

Because that’s not my way.

Although the person influencing me never intended to harm me, and is a dear friend, I have been led to hatefulness by her unending and prolific Facebook posts condemning all republicans as pedophiles, rapists, gun nuts and who use biblical scriptures to spread hate against liberals.

I do love this friend very much, but I have to cut her loose. For my mental health and for my soul, I can’t be in contact any further.

This friend calls MAGA Republicans as well as all other Republicans “Rapebiblekkkguns.”

Consistently, too. She states unequivocally her deep hatred of them all.

Then she has the gall to go on her YouTube channel and give Sunday School lessons.

That gross hypocrisy.

I’ve struggled with this longer than I should have. Agreed with her even though I knew it was wrong.

This is an easily led, previously brainwashed mind in total weakness. I can’t sustain it. It’s draining the life out of me, stressing me, making me spend far too much time on social media, which I have said is a metabolic toxin. It’s fine for staying in touch with friends, but not for spreading anger and hatred.

Whether the correspondent’s dinner shooting and this one are connected is doubtful. And the late reports say that today’s shooter was, in fact, killed as a result of the firefight.

What I’ve been doing — what so many of us have been doing — is wrong. Hate, anger, ugly speech, they are what’s ultimately behind violent, mentally disturbed people trying to get at Trump.

If I’ve been a part of that, I repent of it.

Hate speech causes serious harm, and it can get far worse. It must be stopped.

It’s a good thing to hate what the Trump administration does, but a sin to hate the people in that administration. A grave sin, that comes back and poisons the one doing the hating. After all that I’ve been through, I don’t want to poison my own soul. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to deride people for their appearance.

I am not a good man. I’m nothing but a failure and a filthy, low-down sinner.

My hope for salvation lies with the Son of God. He surely doesn’t approve of what I have been doing.

And yet….I do not hate Donald Trump. I don’t want to see harm come to him. Wishing people to drop dead or to be murdered is cowardly, dishonorable and evil.

I think of a verse I read a long time ago in Genesis. It said that people’s every thought was evil, and in all the land, none could be found worthy of saving.

Except for Noah.

I’d rather be Noah than to die in a flood, earthquake or nuclear war.

We all need to stop the hate speech. It’s supposed to be beneath us.

Now that I’ve let you know my feelings, I have one more thing to add: we must recall our ships from the waters near the Straight, and end hostilities against Iran. We attacked unprovoked, a war crime. We killed innocent people including children. That is unforgivable. Let’s demand some honor and leave them be. Let order and civility carry the day.

Call your congressional representatives and senators and demand they take action before we end up in a war we will pay for with blood. Lots of it.

I’m for peace, honor and order. This mess needs to be cleaned up.

God bless us all. Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of your day. I’m honored.