20 Years of Celibacy, 50 Years of Being An Asshole

You read the title right. The last time I was intimate with a woman, the Twin Towers were still standing.

What brought this to be was not an immediate, conscious decision. It happened because of two things, both related.

My undiagnosed mental illness had me on shaky ground. I was erratic, moody and very insecure. It had been that way every time I was in a relationship.

Then there was jealousy over imagined things…insecurities and low self esteem made me convinced that no woman would ever be happy with me. I just couldn’t believe it. Invariably I would begin to question. That would turn into accusations. I hurt the one I loved, I confused and frustrated them to the point where they had no choice but to walk away.

I have loved many times in my life. Being abused and made to have sex at a preadolescent age changed my development and my perception of love and sexuality. At an early age I felt unloved and lonely in a house with four sisters and three brothers. I so wanted to have a girlfriend and be loved and yet had no belief that any girl could love a piece of shit like me. So when I did fall in love, I was too afraid to voice it. In Lee Ann’s case I thought of her as someone I was not only not good enough for but also as a special girl destined for a life of happiness that I would never be able to provide. She was the first girl I had too much respect for to take the chance of hurting. I left her alone.

That was when I was in third grade. I’ve never stopped loving her. I’ve never stopped loving anyone I ever loved. I don’t have that capability and it has caused me a lot of pain but I carry that pain gratefully. I have a heart. At least I can say that.

But that doesn’t mean I’m okay to be in a relationship. In fact my last one made me lose good friends. She got hold of their numbers and, never even having met them, called and badgered them as to where I was whenever I wasn’t with her. My friends stopped taking my calls.

I finally ended it. I moved to another town. She found out where and changed my address in order to intercept my mail. Why, I don’t know. I had to make a police report and another for the Postal Service. She did other things which constituted stalking, and that wasn’t my first time with a stalker. Wasn’t the last, either.

I was a low shooter. I picked girls who were dysfunctional or less than what I wanted and if you’ve ever done that due to your level of self esteem then you know I’m being truthful here. It’s really a thing.

And it means you need help. Low self esteem will lead you to a dead end where all of your dreams die. Where you talk trash about yourself in front of friends who are hurt to hear your words. A dead end that has all the opportunities for drug and alcohol abuse, even suicide.

The decision to go celibate sounds really hard. It isn’t at a certain point. I realized that I was never going to be able to have a normal relationship with any woman. I was saddened by the revelation but it was the truth. And sex with no love is not a thing I ever enjoyed because of my desperation to be loved. I wanted the whole package or nothing. I chose the nothing.

I’m not counting self pleasure; that’s not covered by my interpretation of being celibate despite the technical definition. For me, it means to surrender a part of your life for your own protection, whether that be mental, physical or emotional.

Some consider what I chose a sacrifice. I don’t. I’m proud of it. To be getting emotionally involved with someone who you’re never going to truly be happy with is wrong. Wrong for you and wrong for the other person.

For the past few years I was involved with someone I met on Facebook. We had lots of hours of conversations on chat, phone and video. I came to genuinely love she and her family. I still do, but I’ve known for some time that it was impossible for us to meet in person. I knew all along that even if we did, she would never have been happy with me.

I knew because of several things but the other day I had to break all contact. I had dreadfully overreacted to something she wrote in a comment. I took it to heart when she called me a name which, had anyone else done, would have been funny. A year ago it would even have been funny coming from her.

I didn’t think it was funny and it hurt me. She responded in such a way that it made me break all chances of contact. Except then she left a voicemail that made me not regret it at all.

She threw things in my face. She had been there for me.

She left out things I’d done for her, and of course that was because she was angry. She missed every sign that I’ve gotten worse; she’s had a lot going on lately and my deteriorating mental condition – severe depression, anxiety and sensitivity, along with noticeable changes in sleep patterns are easy to tick off in a sentence but have been hell to live with. I spend days borderline suicidal. I’ve not known such a deep and extended period of depression in years, my nightmares are enough to make me question my sanity, and I feel terrible pain from some back injury that I believe happened just because of aging. I’m sorry I severed ties. I know it hurt her.

But it is much better to hurt someone once than to maintain a relationship that will keep causing pain. I’m simply getting worse.

Moreover I’m getting my house in order. I didn’t even notice I was doing it at first. It’s some kind of need that I can only think of one cause for.

While I did such a shitty thing to someone I loved, my level of caring about others has increased. It’s my nature to love even people who seem to hate me. It’s my nature to hurt for people I know even on social media. If I put a sad emoji up, it’s because it’s how I feel. Sometimes I’ll tell someone how sorry I am, and I mean it. I never say how deeply I’m sorry or feeling their pain. Or most of all how worried I am.

COVID-19 didn’t just make me sick. It changed my whole world. I have had long lasting damage from it, mostly with memory and that’s mostly forgetting people. But I noticed behavioural changes as well. My southern accent usually is well hidden. I used to slip into it only when very tired or very nervous. Now it changes and kicks in all the time and I hate it. I feel as if I’m going to sound as if I have multiple personalities. If I did, they’d all be assholes. Just saying.

I hear shit wrong too. The Terminix commercial where the deck falls with a couple on it has a guy with a British accent step into the foreground and say something but it sounds like “Don’t get caught sucking your dick…” and the rest is indiscernible.

Everything is just fucking wrong. It is a given that my physical pain isn’t helping. I know when I’m seen for it I’ll be sent for X-rays then a CT then an MRI. They want money. The MRI is what I need. But I need relief and treatment too. Simple tasks can send me into a pain level that brings me close to tears, and pain is something I have become used to. Not like this, though.

With all of this going on, I’m not even fit company for a phone call. Against my nature I’ll be thinking about myself, preoccupied and distracted, and I do believe it will get worse, as it has been for months.

That said, I can’t live like this. I want to help people. To cheer them up and tell them they’re treasure to me. My next door neighbor, a widow, hasn’t been handling her grief and anxiety well. I love her dearly. I told her that today. I said that to me she’s treasure. That I hurt too, seeing her suffer. That I’m here for whatever I can help her with.

That’s what I want to tell everyone I love.

But my life has never gone the way I wanted it to. These memoirs, they’re full of things some find too disturbing to read. Some posts are, to some, too outrageous. The paranormal stuff, mostly. But it all really happened and at times there were witnesses.

Therefore I have not always gotten to be or do what I wanted. When my parents killed my dreams and turned them into a preoccupation with sex, making what should have been dreams of becoming someone who mattered into sexual fantasies, the day came when all I had left was the hope and desire to just be a decent man. To overcome their racist beliefs, their example of control and manipulation and to treat everyone in a kind manner.

I couldn’t even have that. My PTSD and other forms of mental illness keep me from being anything. I just exist. I take up space and waste it.

Behind me, online and in real life, lie the dead. My children, friends I had as a kid, family. There also are uncountable closed doors and burned bridges. I can’t undo any of it.

I ran away from people who were getting too close. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. Some ran from me. I drove them to it. I drew a line. A circle around myself in the sand. Nobody gets inside it. I no longer make women turn their heads. I make them cross the street to avoid me.

I’ve become my own prisoner in my own circle of hell. I have no hope more often than I have it. I am alone, as I always knew I was fated to be. It was part choice and part instinctive self defense.

No more pain. I felt too much. I cared too much. I loved too much and love always got me hurt. I became a coward.

I wish things had been different. That the bad things would go away and let me live, really live.

Yet I find, on this night after a day that saw George Floyd’s killer convicted, that I’m ashamed. Seeing his family’s pain, I empathized because I know loss. I have cried for people I never met. I always will because after all, I can’t really stop loving and caring.

To readers abroad, as always, I’m grateful you’re here. I can’t imagine what you think of the United States but perhaps you’re confused. I’m confused and I live here. It should not make the news, the horrible things that you’ve been seeing. The shame of the Trump presidency will never go away. Killers roam our streets, mass killings are more common than you can know, cops killing people of color are monsters with badges and no consciences and we are less to you than we wish we were. For so long, especially after World War Two, we had a national pride that I believe hurt us. We thought we were so great.

Now we’re pulling the last of our troops out of Afghanistan and perhaps there aren’t so many of them as to make a difference but in the minds of extremists it will be a great victory. They will immediately begin to engage in heinous acts, mostly against women. Our presence there has had an influence on culture and politics. Leaving will destabilize all power of the government and anyone who had extended contact with us will curse us. It is a mistake to leave now when our mission was not accomplished. It is dishonorable to leave, knowing what girls and women will go through. All we accomplished will be reversed and it will be worse than before we went there.

It is a betrayal in my mind. I don’t like war, but to bug out is to do the same as we did to the Kurds. It dishonors us and leaves people to be tortured and to die.

We’re in a national mess, and President Biden wants to do things to clean up that mess. I’m sure his decision was hard for him and yet I strongly disagree with it.

Meanwhile Republicans are against him no matter what he wants to do. He’s a good man with a big heart. He called George Floyd’s family today. A president who cares, and is honest, is special. More so after the debasement of America by Donald Trump. Russia knows now is the time to test Biden and is massing armor and infantry on the Ukraine border. This follows harsh lessons Biden tried to teach Putin, a man notorious for not learning anything except new ways to attempt world supremacy for Russia. He loves to test, probe and corrupt. Whoever follows him will very likely be even worse.

The Janssen (Johnson and Johnson) vaccine was ordered stopped being administered last week, but here in Maryland one corporate entity producing the vaccine had some kind of incident and that made it worse. Anti Vaxxers just got handed unlimited ammo to convince others not to be vaccinated which, down the road, will cause death.

In all of this, and more, I feel stupid bragging about 20 years of celibacy. As if the world turns around me and anyone cares.

But it was necessary and I’m kind of proud of myself for it. Perhaps I’ve caused less misery than I otherwise would have.

But I still cause pain, no matter how hard I wish I had no power to do so. I can’t be the simple, decent guy I wanted to be. I can’t even manage that. I won’t cop out and blame mental illness.

Because there’s just more proof that I’m an asshole.

Last Week

If you’re like me, you couldn’t keep up with it all. Or even process everything. What a week that was. I’ve never seen anything like it and nothing in my memory can compare to it. And yet, George Floyd was not unique in that horrible way he died. So people asked, “What’s so different now?”

I looked at the TV. I looked at videos and read articles. With a thrill of nausea and lots of dread, I saw the tear gas used on protesters, saw crowds running, saw the church burn on Sunday night, then, Monday, a debacle the likes of which I’ve never even imagined as Lafayette Square was gassed and crowds charged by cops with shields and riot sticks.

Which was followed by a bizarre speech by Trump with an open threat and a singularly bizarre walk by Trump and an unbelievably scary entourage to the burnt church. The fucker used a church and an upside-down bible as props for a photo op. No shit, and it’s still hard to believe.

Then, in a blinding speed, images and sounds like nothing that could be real, but was.

A 75-year-old man shoved. Lost his balance because he was shoved. Immediately bleeding from an ear and the posterior skull. Listed as serious but stable condition. But how serious? That’s a severe concussion and probable skull fracture you’re seeing. He could have died.

Surrealism: a reporter and his crew fired at as they try to retreat. Cannisters and rubber bullets. Two Sikorsky UH-60 Blackhawks buzzing protesters, a maneuver someone called “dusting”, which is basically terrorism. The twin engines and the monster blades of the Blackhawks are weapons at low altitude. If you’re beneath them, you’re getting hit by particles of dust, small debris and anything they feel like dropping. You better tuck into a ball and cover your face. No shit. Whoever justifies this shit is stupid.

But there was no shortage of that. It didn’t begin or end with Trump’s bible modeling. He was asked if it was his bible, and he really answered, “It’s a bible.” Translation: “I don’t own a bible.”

While Reverend Al Sharpton gave a powerful and simply perfect eulogy for the family of George Floyd, others were beginning to fall away from supporting Trump. A number of former chairmen of the Joint Chiefs were vocal in their disapproval of his threat to use regular military personnel to police the streets of any state he chose, and Joe Biden failed to tell officers not to shoot at suspects. Instead he suggested that they aim for legs instead of center of mass. Joe wants to win, but waffling is not a good strategy. There’s no middle ground in a firefight and nobody aims for legs, but then again, that’s if someone else has a gun and can, or is shooting back. You aim center of mass unless you’re the highest tier in an elite sniper class. Then you can try for headshots, but even that’s mostly Hollywood and videogame bullshit. If you’re forced to shoot, you’re forced to kill. Fuck around, and you’ll be the casualty.

Besides, you know how easy it is to hit a major artery in the leg? If a shot goes astray and you score a leg shot, your high velocity round will be very likely to cut or sever the femoral artery. That’s still a kill.

Why all the stupidity? Andrew Cuomo and Mayor Diblasio are not handling things. The tear gas. The pepper balls. Vehicles running into a crowd.

The result: officers shot by anarchists or just plain dickheads using brute force against civilians as an excuse, which makes everything worse.

The police have been less than honorable in every city where protests took place save one, Newark. What are they doing different?

Hitting kids over the head with riot sticks has nothing to do with law and order. It has everything to do with wanting to crack his fucking skull open.

In my life, I’ve seen and been the victim of things nobody should ever see or endure. But though I’ve been bitter about it, there wasn’t enough evil in me to act on it. Oh, when I thought about shooting my parents, I was well and truly capable. I would have been convicted of first degree murder, too. But I’d have saved my nephew from things I knew he was already having done to him. Cops kneeling on a man because he had a rap sheet until the guy dies isn’t done to save anyone.

It’s done out of racist hatred and a disregard for civil rights and the sanctity of life that chills my blood. Watching George Floyd die is to watch a part of your own soul break off and die. Seeing that cop with a hand in his pocket, squeezing the life out of Floyd and smirking is to watch a cold-blooded, first degree homicide. That’s exactly what it was, straight murder. Other officers watched. And it doesn’t matter that one said something. It doesn’t matter because they all stood around and watched a bully cop with a bad record commit murder. Now they’ve been photographed in orange, and they should get used to that color. Other cops are pissed. They’re striking out at people because a “brother officer” is “guilty of doing his job”.

Meanwhile, honorable police officers are lumped together as assholes and murderers. That’s not cool, but what’s less so is when someone says, “If you get a bad hamburger it doesn’t mean McDonald’s is bad.” Speaking about police officers to a crowd. That’s not the way to handle this. It’s degrading, simplistic and grossly condescending.

Trump, on the other hand, notorious for not wearing a mask, toured a plant where swabs for covid-19 tests were made. In there, he alone wasn’t wearing a mask. The entire batch made that day are confirmed as contaminated and we already did not have enough.

Then he claimed based on flawed numbers that the economy was doing great, and that George Floyd was looking down on him and smiling. African American jobs were up, he said. Which confirmed, if anyone had any doubts remaining, that Donald Trump is a racist idiot who is so self-serving and egotistical that he would actually talk like that while the nation was caught up in protesting the man’s murder, his family was grieving, and he was standing there mocking them and perfectly happy to risk more unemployment when the coronavirus spreads.

Covid-19 is not over, is not slowing, and will continue to spread. There won’t be any second surge in the fall; we’re already into June and there’s no reason to believe next month will automatically be free of COVID-19. That’s unreasonable, unrealistic and too close to Trump’s lies and delusion than anyone should be.

Fortunately I have just the man to properly explain all of this. If a comedian can’t be funny right now, it’s not because he’s not willing to try. It’s because laughing at this shit is unthinkable. He gets in a couple of jibes, but this is the most serious episode he’s ever done.

https://youtu.be/HI6srCfEWVE

Colin Powell and others are now openly calling Trump a liar. Why the fuck did it take three and a half years?

Trump Took A Walk And Nobody Could Believe It.

This post has been revised and edited.

I once saw a video of President Obama taking a walk on a nice afternoon. It was really Unforgettable. He gave special White House M&Ms to kids, shook hands and had group selfies with smiling folks who could immediately see that he wasn’t a monster, as Fox News and red state senators had claimed. He carried his jacket over his shoulder and for a few minutes, he was real to the people who shook his hand. They never forgot it. I’d wager that some that magical afternoon were changed by it. He is an extraordinary man. He’s also rather humble and can disarm anyone with his smile, his sincerity and his obvious care for others.

Richard Nixon once had trouble sleeping, so he went in the presidential limo to see some protesters at the Lincoln Memorial. He engaged in conversation with them and left them very confused and upset that their president was obviously a disturbed man.

That’s nothing compared to the only known excursion by Trump thus far.

He ordered the protesters cleared by force, you know: “The Line” rushed them after firing tear gas and possibly rubber bullets, and that was aired live, or parts of it were. Meanwhile, Trump gave an unforgettable and unfortunate speech. “I am your law and order president,” he said from the now-soiled podium in the rose garden. He then threatened to order “regular” (full time) Army units across the United States into law enforcement if governors couldn’t control the crowds. You know this story. Days followed that saw pundits and both retired and working lawyers and politicians debate for the cameras whether Trump had authority under constitutional law to do such a thing.

They cited the “Insurrection Act” and if it had ever been invoked before, and if in fact it enabled Trump to actually make good on his threat.

I’ll tell you that he did say it in a threatening way, referring to state governors in the third person, future tense, which should loosen the bowels of every freedom loving American.

Televangelist Pat Robertson, on his show The 700 Club, had this to say: “Mr. President, you just don’t do that,” adding that we should all love one another. Admirable words from a man who once said that Trump was chosen by God. But we can get back to this in a minute.

Let’s get one thing in the clear first: there are certain conditions or actions required by the Insurrection Act that have to be met before a president may invoke it. None have been met.

The first is that a state legislature must convene and agree to ask for military aid. Nobody has, and I cannot anticipate such a thing happening.

In the event of a state’s legislature being prevented or unable to meet, the governor can make the request. Any governors who do this now will be guilty of conspiracy to undermine civil rights. They really need to think that one over.

The second circumstance is a bit less clear, and this is rather chilling because it reads exactly like the president can simply judge the situation and say it’s necessary, and with Trump, that’s enough for me to caution you to stock up on Imodium AD.

There’s irony in the next condition in which federalization of state militia (Army National Guard) can be made (the Pentagon would generally include National Guard divisions under the command of regular brigades and divisions, deploying them as full-time soldiers. Air Force and even Marine Reserve units can also be considered the part-time equivalent federally of the ARNG, which a governor has direct control of; for example, white stenciled paint on a bumper of a National Guard unit in Maryland would read “MDARNG”). This part gets slippery to lay persons because the wording makes clear that a situation of denial of civil rights must exist, as in the case of people of color whom the Ku Klux Klan were killing and harassing and committing arson against to drive them out of a particular area; or where courts upheld no civil rights for people of color; law enforcement and courts of law visibly denied civil rights and turned a blind eye to the Klan’s criminal acts (it was used to ensure the safety of black students during the early days of desegregation of schools).

In any event you’ve no doubt heard that the Insurrection Act superceded or replaced Posse Comitatus. That’s not so. In old western films or TV shows, you’d see county or municipal sheriffs gather up a “posse”. None were deputized; they were forced or volunteered to serve. It’s got nothing to do with the subject we’re on. It was ironically the prevention of using federal troops to occupy the former Confederate States of America (CSA) during the aftermath of the American Civil War. It was largely responsible for southern states having a congress with representative and senatorial structure that we see today,in addition to gubernatorial structure as we know it. Irony has never reared up to terrify us as it has with Trump’s threat. Interpretation of Posse Comitatus and the Insurrection Act seems rather simple. The former prevents the federal government from direct intervention or occupation with any and all states. The latter gives a sitting president the power to act decisively and suspend Posse Comitatus under extraordinary and desperate conditions.

There’s some arguing over social media as to whether or not the Insurrection Act has ever been used. I had to research it myself, and it turns out that it has. What I thought to be National Guard troops and medics were not. Those were in fact federal troops. President Hayes used it to break a railroad strike. That’s because there were no airlines, and no cars yet existed by the end of his term in 1881. The strike was crippling the nation. Hurricane Hugo, which I clearly remember as a monster storm, also occasioned the invocation of the act. During the L.A. riots in 1992, it was used. I thought that was National Guard, especially after Hugo. Trump deployed regular troops to the border when he claimed an “invasion” was coming from south and central America. The Corps of Engineers was restricted to stringing up razor wire in places where the border had little in the way of solid structure. This frustrated him because he wanted to fire upon the “invaders”; remember that this is the man who once asked why, if we had nuclear missiles, we never used them.

The troops eventually fell out of the news headlines. We were never really told as much, so we can assume that the military budget and inability to use infantry combined to frustrate Trump. He was a child who wasn’t being allowed to play with his toys. The tantrum which followed caused other countries to protest the dreadful violation of human rights under President Trump: children in cages or in tent cities in searing heat, having healthcare withheld, along with food and water. How many people, adults and children both, died under such conditions? We don’t know. Reporters were locked out, not given updates, and no doubt, the books were cooked. All because Trump wasn’t allowed to behave like a dictator and shoot people he didn’t like, despite an extraordinary tweet he made during his campaign:

Such bullshit. He proved he did not love Hispanics at all. He proved only the depths to which his loathing for them really went.

Donald Trump’s speech on Monday was a threat to use brute force to crush protesters under the heel of the US military. It had no connotation whatsoever of defending peace and the law or of protecting civilians. As he spoke like some half-assed dictator, the firing of tear gas cannisters could be heard. That was the clearing of the streets to accommodate his walk to the church set ablaze on Sunday, the night before. Later, the White House released a video of “The Walk” with Triumphant music. Hail Caesar, the conquering hero!

Fuck me.

I know what he was doing, and it wasn’t just to appeal to his radical right evangelicals. He was saying to the protesters, “This is my territory, and I’m marking it like a fucking lioness.” Gangs do similar things. When moving into new territory, they usually have members walk or drive on certain streets repeatedly. They may or may not conduct their affairs in the area, but they’re telling you they own it now.

Trump should never have been seen holding up a Bible. It’s obvious by now to all but those locked in the throes of denial that he’s not religious, certainly no Christian, has never read from the gospels, and may very well believe he is god-like. Frankly, I’m surprised that touching a Bible didn’t cause him to burst into flames.

The biggest problem about “The Walk” is, however, not just Trump committing sacrilege or even gassing protesters. The worst part is who accompanied him. And who reconnoitered the immediate and adjacent area beforehand.

The Defense Secretary and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs were along for the trip, but both claim that they thought they were going to speak to the troops, meaning that they’re lying or were tricked into making it look like Trump had control of them. Either of which is really a scary idea.

The reason I doubt their veracity is that prior to the crowd being gassed and charged by The Line, Attorney General Barr had walked through the crowds, checking them out. That’s not his job, and how long have we known that on the slightest suggestion by Trump, the man would eat Trump’s shit and count the calories along the way? Oh, yeah: the day he took the job, that’s when.

This is one of those surreal moments when I find myself agreeing with Pat Robertson. Mr. President, you don’t do that. It’s time for reconciliation and equal treatment. It’s time for us to love each other.

Yeah. Like that’s going to happen.

Except, maybe it can, if just a little.

Time To Run

Last night as I watched live coverage of the DC area riot, and trust me, that’s what it was, I saw this live as it happened. It’s not an isolated incident either; reporters were targets for police in a lot of areas. It seems to be spontaneous, done by officers who blame all of this on media broadcasting the video of George Floyd’s murder all over the world, which to the minds of some, must be what caused all of this: the fake news media. Which, of course, Trump has tweeted since this began, remarkably increasing the mantra over the usual frequent outbursts on Twitter and camera. On a phone call with governors today, he ranted and shamed them for not using more National Guard units and not using more force against protesters.

Let me make one thing very clear. It’s a bad time to be a cop. In New York, officers marched with protesters while one recklessly forced an NYPD vehicle into the crowd. They’re either targets no matter how good they are, or they’re counted as evil by wearing a badge because bad cops also wear badges. That said, Trump has been egging the violence from civilians on, stoked the furnace, and now calls for military troops to come in and fuck shit up.

He’s being himself; he got where he is because he is good at polarizing and dividing with a simple vocabulary and common rhetoric.

He’s still doing it and he will not stop. From claiming that paper ballots by mail are a danger to democracy to considering sending the 101st Airborne to quell what he sees as a threat to his power and reelection, he’s continuing his mission to take American people and putting them under the heel. He’s still backed by congressional Republicans who won’t stand up to him. It’s part blackmail; he gets the dirty on people then threatens them. The dirt is substantial, as it must be to have made them so pliant. For some, the revelation of their dirt would wind up with criminal cases and Barr would be licking his ass all the way. For others, families would be destroyed. There’d be damage to national security, and as proof that Trump doesn’t care about our country’s safety, I remind you that after his inauguration, a Russian eavesdropping ship was parked off the east coast for an unacceptable time when it shouldn’t have been allowed that close in the first place. He had a private oval office meeting with Russians and wouldn’t permit any media except TASS. How many more examples do people need to know he’s a criminal with a purely criminal mind?

None of the protesters who really want change are provoking the police. According to NY Governor Andrew Cuomo, their ranks have been infiltrated by anarchists and other fringe types, but mostly plain criminals of various ages. The crimes they’re going for is entering a store and using the cover of the crowds to get away with armloads of merchandise. The anarchist types are the ones flipping cars, setting fires and attacking police. There’s a slight blurring in there, as some angry people do get violent, and those aren’t restricted to any race. I get that; they’re angry beyond certain levels of control. But multiracial protesters are peacefully coming out to show that murder is simply unacceptable and that police murdering a black man over a fucking twenty dollar note cannot be tolerated, will not be tolerated.

This is a bad situation. Dire. We can witness the end of the United States of America and see it turned into something horrifying, or we can get our shit together and cause change.

At the heart of all this are several things converging at the worst possible time. First, the economy was bound to crash. No bull market had ever been sustained for so long, and I saw it with dread. The longer it lasted, the harder the fall would be. Indicators told keen economists that it was going to happen but their warnings were ignored. It took the COVID-19 pandemic to push us over the edge, and struggling businesses such as department stores have followed Sears: JC Penney has filed Chapter 11, and with the news being so concentrated on COVID-19 and now the social unrest, I can’t find much else. Suffice it to say that our economy is in the toilet. Now it will kill people who should not die. Crowds during this pandemic, whether masked or not, will unquestionably spread the disease. Within a week we will see either a suppression of COVID-19 numbers on the news, or a sharp spike. Either way, the spike will be there.

Let us not forget that during the stay-at-home months, Los Angeles was photographed with a crystal clear skyline. Geologists could hear the Earth for the first time in modern history with cutting edge tech. The cars weren’t moving. Factories went dark or slowed down. Not as many trucks ran because essential goods had priority. Stars could be seen in places where young people had never seen them. We saw what was possible in regards to climate change. And climate change is the uncredited player that makes everything worse. Without it, probably no COVID-19 pandemic ever happens. Infections peculiar to warmer temperatures have been observed.

There’s a super fungus that exploded in the world scene suddenly, and it’s one thing among others that have adapted to warmer temperatures. It’s believed that the fungus could not survive inside a human body because body temperature alone would kill it. Well the fungus survives body temperature now, and it is virtually untreatable.

COVID-19 may not have happened. Imagine that. One of the components to climate change predictions is supercanes, storms so powerful that they make every hurricane before it look like a thunderstorm. Another predicted component is super pandemics, and I have no reason to doubt that we ain’t seen nothin yet.

In the current pandemic chaos was already in play, but the murder of George Floyd was unbearable, and all I can do is hope that all of this won’t be in vain. Trump claims he won’t allow Floyd’s death to be in vain. But he has yet to express sympathy. He said he will use the regular Army to put down insurrection, a threat instead of a call for peace. For calm.

If that happens, kiss democracy goodbye. He will become a military dictator. No election in November.

Think it can’t happen?

Or are you in favor of it?

We’re in undiscovered territory. We’ve never been here before. You and I can’t see what will happen. We don’t know.

Donald Trump’s just become the greatest threat to this country in all its history.

He’s posing with a Bible in front of the church that burned last night. God damn the fake son of a bitch. The evangelicals will have orgasms over that shit. It all just got so much worse.