I believe that I have changed much this past year. Looking back on the “Level-Up” post in which I wrote negatively about my birthday, I can see it. Now, at level 62, you’d be forgiven to think another birthday would make me more cynical, more depressed, more likely to complain.

Lately, I have thought of lots of things, and my faith is stronger. This has benefits I’ve never felt before. I resist temptation more. I’m more likely to check my swearing. I’m kinder than I was. Less depressed. I took an insult so well recently that I no longer recall it, while usually insults ring in my ears for months, and some for decades.

The search for God has been difficult and I was a believer. You could never imagine what’s changed or how simply it happened.

The change is real, but not enough for me. I want to do better, and do something good with my new faith. If that’s meant to be, I will. I’ve lost my greatest fears and will meet the end of life without them.

But I have these scars and still-open wounds, inflicted when I had no control. These injuries I cannot ask God to heal instantly. Time, friends who were patient with me, therapy, medicine and a dogged refusal to surrender along with the tiny bit of faith I had has led me here. And sometimes miracles come from the smallest of faiths, and sometimes you can’t get what you want immediately.

It just doesn’t work out like that. Pain and suffering are universal; there is no way out of or around it. I find that many suffer more than I, and maybe I don’t know what to say to them, and it’s true that no matter what I’ve been through, I can never imagine what it’s like for another, whose experience with suffering and trauma must be absolutely terrible.

And sometimes words of reassurance and comfort only bring anger and bitterness to those who hurt. Words are usually ineffective. But being there for someone who weeps, even if they do so silently, internally, is far better than any words. Just wait until they’re really ready to talk, pray for them, and then listen. Just listen. If they need your shoulder or a hug, they’ll let you know.

Sometimes saying nothing is the most powerful medicine we have to offer. If words are necessary, be careful with them and keep it simple. The stages of healing from trauma and loss are never to end, and patience with all the people you long to comfort does not remain strong. They may be especially needy or cry a lot. That gets to be burdensome.

I think that is our greatest weakness and it was always a problem for me, because I go through my own pain. I’ve learned that my pain is something others cannot comprehend, but also that when I help others, I heal a bit more.

The Boondock Saints

I watched “The Boondock Saints” years back, and it really makes me think. Seeing it again made me think about much more.

The film begins in a “Catholic” church (it’s not actually filmed in one because Duffy was denied permission). The priest begins to talk about an incident in which a girl was stabbed to death and nobody helped her or called the police. He says, “Now, we all must fear evil men. But there is an evil we must fear most and that is the indifference of good men.”

The McManus brothers, fraternal twins, have prayed at the statue of the Holy Mother, and are on their way out when they hear this.

Connor, played by Sean Patrick Flannery, bears a tattoo on his left hand, “Veritas,” Latin for truth. His brother Murphy, played by Norman Reedus, bears a similar tattoo, “Aguitas”, Latin for equality and justice. These actors fully committed to their parts for a film that is truly a masterpiece. However…

In the United States, only 5 theaters showed it, and those had limited runs of one week because it followed the Columbine massacre so closely in time; it was felt that such a violent film would cause controversy and that it would be in poor taste as well.

Columbine Massacre

On 20 April, 1999, 18-year-old Eric Harris and 17-year-old Dylan Klebold went to their school, Columbine High School. Just like any other day, but on this one, the two carried out a plan one year in the making. They very quickly, using semiautomatic rifles and pistols, racked up a victim count of 12 dead 21 injured. Two propane bombs in the cafeteria could have killed many more, but didn’t detonate. The boys left behind, after killing themselves, a shocked nation and families who can never be healed from such sudden, violence-caused deaths of their children. One teacher was among the dead.

The film was released in Denmark well before the horrifying event, but not until November in the United States, some 7 months following the massacre. Thus, the limited release and dreadful critical reception. There was so much fallout after Columbine that people wanted to end all violence on the big screen, television and video games. The boys had played the game “Doom” which is a first-person shooter, and then had improvised their own “game” in a school setting. Instead of monsters, the enemies were students. Harris was most responsible for the modifications.

Video Release

Only after video release did the praise for it become unavoidable; a sequel, years in the making, did much better but failed to reach its full potential.

The first movie shows how the brothers stick together and protect each other no matter what. On St. Patrick’s Day, the Irish twins, who have never met their father, are working in a meat packing plant. They’re told to train a new employee. Connor mentions a rule of thumb and she’s offended, saying that in the early 1900s, men were allowed to beat their wives so long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb. This rule never existed in any form except as a possible unit of measure in Medieval Europe. Connor holds up his hand, thumb extended, and says you can’t do much with a stick that thin and suggests, “Maybe it should have been a rule of wrist”, at which she goes off. Explaining that it’s just a joke, she gets more enraged and kicks Connor in the groin. When she turns to face Murphy, he delivers a powerful right to her face. When one is hurt, the other avenges the wrong. You do not want an Irishman getting that angry with you, and sometimes I think the Irish in me can evoke reactions I later regret. But it is also a part of me that strengthens my faith.

This is not to bash my heritage or to stereotype, but it remains a fact that, on coming to America, the Irish were enslaved, discriminated against and paid less for hard labor than others. They were shunned for no reason at all. When driven too far, they were well known as fierce drinkers and even more fierce fighters. Drunk on Saturday night, they attended Mass on Sunday no matter how hungover they were. In a fight, getting up after being knocked down was a bad idea. Perhaps the stereotypical Irish temper comes from that; but things improved after World War Two in which they proved their patriotism and courage.

Connor and Murphy are turned into heroes when, after a bar fight, Russian mobsters come calling. The Russians are killed by the brothers, afterward turning themselves in to police, where FBI Agent Smecker (Willem Dafoe) questions and releases them because it was self defense.

They wear Celtic crosses, are devoutly catholic, and they are not finished killing. They go to a hotel and kill 9 Russian mobsters including the boss. They place pennies or quarters on the dead men’s eyes, questionable for them except that Roman mythology held that this must be done for them to pay Charon, the underworld ferryman who conveyed them across the Styx to be judged. It is not a modern or a Christian tradition. They say a prayer over the boss’s body that ends with “in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit” spoken in Latin:

Enter: Rocco, an abused errand boy for the Yakavetta mob family in Boston. He is sent to kill the Russians with only a revolver. The boys, who are fast friends with Rocco, try to tell him that his boss set him up. He doesn’t believe them until he goes to the Lakeview Lunch cafe and questions two wiseguys who laugh at him. He shoots both, then the old bartender who knew about the trap.

After this, he joins the “Saints” as the press have dubbed the brothers and his first idea is to whack the underboss who obviously hated him and came up with the plan to kill him. Played with delicious, hateful and scummy malice by Ron Jeremy, the Saints kill him. The Boss believes Rocco is getting revenge and that he’s good at it. He asks the retired underboss to help him call in “the Duke”, a non-Italian killer once used by his father to kill wiseguys because they didn’t like to kill their own. The old man warns him that the Duke is a Monster and to be careful.

After another mob killing, the trio exits a house only to face the Duke, waiting for them with six guns strapped to his body. The gunfight is vicious, and all four shooters are wounded. Rocco loses a finger, and in the next scene Agent Smecker is out front of the house, surrounded by detectives who at first were resentful that the Feds had sent him. He thinks for a few minutes and his brilliant mind recounts what happened. He gets very agitated and growls, followed immediately by “There was a firefight!” as he raises his arms over his head just like he did in “Platoon”. Smecker then finds Rocco’s finger and now knows he’s with the Saints.

After the boys and Rocco cauterize their wounds with an iron, they go to morning Mass while Rocco waits outside. Rocco sees a hungover Smecker walk into the church and follows him. When Smecker goes to a confession booth, Rocco holds the priest at gunpoint and forces him to tell Smecker that he’s right to believe the Irish twins are doing something necessary. Then the boys call Smecker and tell him they’re going after Yakavetta at his house that night. But the boys are captured trying to get in through the basement, and tortured. Yakavetta kills Rocco, and the twins get free, overcome their captors and say their generations-old family prayer. The Duke, who knocked out Agent Smecker upstairs (Smecker, who is gay, dressed in drag to pose as entertainment hired for the men). Smecker shoots two wiseguys before being knocked out (the Duke never killed women or children).

He walks into the basement and is ready to kill the twins until he hears their prayer, at which he finishes it: he’s their father. For 25 years he was in prison after being set up. He’s never seen his sons but now, he puts a hand gently to their cheeks and the family is reconciled.

Then the Duke and the boys, father and sons, with aid by the detectives and Agent Smecker, bypass security at the courthouse where boss Yakavetta is on trial. They execute him and warn the gallery that if they cross the line, they will find the Saints right on their trail.

But sometimes the very negative, the depiction of evil done in God’s name, can have a profound effect for the greater good. For one, the boys actually believe that killing evil men is righteous and necessary. Everything in the gospels say otherwise, and expressly so. For another, they didn’t have to be Irish; this story could work with anyone, but their devout prayers and deep accents really made this movie a classic. I had multiple issues with it yet when forced to face my own feelings, found an awareness and sensitivity to what is evil and what is not. It was their crosses that inspired me to shop cross pendants on Amazon.

By sheer accident I found rosary beads and crucifixes. One drew my attention and held it. I didn’t know why but ordered it without hesitation. On researching it, I found that the Saint Benedict Rosary is strong protection against Satan. Benedict guards one from temptation, Satan, vices and bad health. He is also believed to be there upon one’s death to escort their soul to Heaven along with St. Michael the archangel, and one’s guardian angels. He is also the patron Saint of Europe. Wearing a bracelet or rosary with St. Benedict medals is therefore quite powerful in spiritual combat against Satan.

I also bought a celtic cross pendant. This cross is said to have been created by St. Patrick himself. He placed the cross over the disc that symbolized the sun god to prove that Jesus was more powerful. Often seen in cemeteries, it is still worn by Irish, the Welsh and Scots.

Ultimately it is faith, not an object, that frees us from the devil’s grip. Faith that we are loved and watched over by God can make a huge difference in anyone’s life.

The question now is, can my new faith hold fast? With the cross on my chest and the beads wrapped around my hand, I am far less likely to think and behave badly. That’s a great illustration of hypocrisy and I refuse. Temptation will always be real and pervasive to all humans. We don’t get special powers. We get faith in Abba, the Holy Father, our creator. Through faith, few things are impossible.

I need to make clear, though, that intervention for people in danger is Godly, noble, honorable. Self sacrifice is a mark of a good person. It can never exceed that, and vigilantism I cannot condone. And all killing in God’s name must stop. War and murder is hateful to the Lord.

Note that the rosary has nothing else but medals of Benedict. As you pray the Benedictine Rosary, each medal is a place to stop and meditate on the Mysteries. Benedict stood for abstinence, prayer and hard work along with studies. He advocated the resistance to Satan who brings harm and disease, causes covetousness for possessions; in turn the Benedictine monks began taking a vow of poverty.

You don’t have to say the Rosary if you’re protestant. But just holding it, and prayer in silence, makes me stronger in faith. And to think I got this from a movie…

Until the next time I’m leaving you with the main title music from the first Saints movie. Beautiful Irish music you can’t get out of your head.

Be well.