I don’t exactly remember when I became a full-fledged asshole, but I do know one thing.

Cartoons were sadistic as hell when I was young. None of the endless lineup of characters were more sadistic than Bugs Bunny, and earlier at Starbucks, I was reminded of this. One of the baristas wore something in her hair I couldn’t quite focus on. I thought it looked like an ear of corn on the cob, but she said it was from SpongeBob.

I saw part of one episode when my son was younger. I loved spending time with him, but this was a NOPE right off the bat. This yellow thing that lived under the ocean went to visit, of all things, a fucking squirrel he had a crush (and she wore a bandau bra) on who lived under a glass dome. The dome, of course, had air in it. Because, squirrels can’t breathe water, you see?

The yellow thing turned out to be a talking sea sponge. A talking sea sponge!

In the air of the squirrel’s house, the sponge began to do some weird shit, like dry up, eyes going all weird, and I asked Mikey, “What the hell are you watching?”

That immediately started him laughing. When he was really laughing hard, he couldn’t make a sound, he just shook all over. He was always set off at that indignant, horrified tone in my voice, it never failed.

He tried to get the words out but was still locked up in relentless mirth. I went outside for a cigarette. I could only shake my head; that was some sick shit.

It’s like the goddam writer was mainlining shrooms or something. Where the fuck did that idea come from?

Of course I was subjected to more, as I had a former in-law whose daughters often visited. In time, I could even play the Captain and say, “Are you ready kids?

I did get a kick out of them saying “Aye aye, Captain!” And we’d sing the song.

Now, looking at the whole segment, I’m mortified. What fuck!

Screw the shrooms. These fuckers are looney and acid brained if anyone ever was.

I found out the hard way that Armageddon is closer than we think. This shit is so warped that it’s pure nihilism. The human race is doomed.

Now look, I get it. Times change. When I was a kid some grownups thought Bugs Bunny was sick. Of course they were right, but that’s beside the point. While at the Starbucks counter, I remembered one particular cartoon where Bugs apparently hated hillbillies and took over as the announcer of a square dance. Man did he use those two hillbilly guys to death. The first time I saw it, one line made me laugh like Mikey, uncontrollably and without a sound; it took the air right out of my lungs like a gut punch: “…stick your finger in his eye….”

I thought it was sadistic even though I didn’t know that word yet, and I was already a sadist. An apprentice asshole.

I went around poking guys in the eye until one guy punched me so hard that tooth chips filled my mouth with what felt like sand. Bugs Bunny wasn’t so funny after that.

It takes years to earn the title of “Asshole,” and a lot of hard work. I went underground after the tooth chip incident. I learned to hit where it hurts the most: starting rumors so sick that everyone believed them. By the time it got to the mark, nobody could tell him or her (I didn’t discriminate) where the rumor had come from. To my horror, kids my age had been clever and added to the original gossip and some kids I had marked were so enraged they accused the wrong person and picked a vicious fight.

I should have been ashamed. I should have been sympathetic.

I wasn’t. Every mean and sick and evil thing done to me was being avenged on the innocent. I wasn’t just an apprentice asshole; I was also studying to earn a degree in anarchy.

It was to be years before I calmed my thirst for blood, mayhem and seeing others sample pain that was with me every day of my life.

What if I had never seen a Bugs Bunny cartoon, though? Would I have turned out differently?

Not likely. I’d have taken inspiration from something else, and who knows? It might have been worse.

But I swear, if I had watched SpongeBob SquarePants when I was a kid, I would now most likely be in prison. Or dead.

Because that shit is sick. Like, psychedelic, psychotic sick.

And what the fuck was that salmon pink thing that took tea with SpongeBob? Come on, man. That went too far. Whatever it was, I hope the writers and artists that were responsible for this, this vomit got help.

Stick your finger in his eyes? Looking back, that really wasn’t so bad after all.