It was the pain. It comes and goes, but when it’s at its worst, it can stay for days and nearly paralyze me. It’s head to toes. The doctor called it fibromyalgia, which on top of squashed discs and other problems is horrible. Almost unendurable.

Now, I ain’t no candy-ass, but when a man has so much piled on him at once, it’s gonna make him cry like one.

I went to the liquor store. I didn’t have much money and I didn’t want a fifth anyway, so I bought some Johnnie Walker red minis.

For the bottom shelf scotches, it did the trick. It went down smoothly, had a nice effect on the pain, and now…

Now I’m right back where I was in 2003. This morning I had a scotch and got no buzz. It just got me to a maintenance level to where I don’t fear the DTs and I’m not walking like a zombie.

When I saw my family for dinner on Monday, I didn’t say anything. There’s nothing they can do. I ordered a scotch neat, and fell in love with Dewar’s. When I had downed it, I pulled a Johnnie Walker red mini from my jacket, opened it and poured it into the glass. Nobody raised an eyebrow, and I’m glad. It was such a happy time, the best I’ve had in years.

But I can’t be silent any longer.

Being a recovering alcoholic is not an excuse to have even one drink. Recovering alcoholics can’t drink, not ever. Not socially, not to medicate pain. Not for any reason.

I knew better. But I thought I could control it. I can’t.

Breaking off now will be difficult because that next drink is all I can think about.

I think it was last night but I’m not sure. I saw a lizard the size of a person on my bathroom floor. That ain’t good. That’s something you go to the hospital for, but I can’t afford certain people finding out. With sips from minis until withdrawal doesn’t happen, I can get back to being in recovery.

I’m not really here today writing about myself so much as I am to you.

No matter what pain you suffer, mixing alcohol with any prescription drug is extremely dangerous. You can die that way. And avoid all street drugs. Seek help instead, and I know our health system is a shambles, but keep trying for the right clinic, doctor or program. Your life is important. We’re stronger with you than without you. You’re awesome and I hope you’ll be around for a long time.

It’s 12:42 here. I’ve already had strong coffee, Alka-Seltzer and Tylenol. I’ll drink another glass of water too.

Please be good to yourself. You deserve it. God is always ready to help those who call on Him.

Make that call.

And don’t let the political garbage get to you. Everything is going to be okay. Just ask Paramount and Disney.

I never had Disney but I did cancel Paramount Plus and I don’t miss it.

If you were looking forward to the exclusive Tony and Ziva, don’t let that stop you. It’s a lousy show hurried into production and it shows.

Do whatever you can to let the mega corporations know you don’t think they’re worth your money, participate in demonstrations, or anything else you can do. But don’t let the corporate news take you for a ride through any damned wonderland. Take care of your mental and physical health and you’ll be fine.