TOP 12 WORDS AND NAMES NOBODY FROM BALTIMORE CAN PRONOUNCE (Revised)

This may be funny to us, but I’ve seen Baltimoreans turn beet-red as they speak these words, knowing that the look you’re giving them is full of disgust. This list updates and revises the one I wrote in 2008-2009 or something like that.

First, I’ll give the proper word, and beside that, give you their collective barf-making versions. Hold on to your stomachs, or have a sick-bag handy. Ready? Here we go.

The Word: What They Say

12-Crabs: “Craibs”

11-Sink: “Zinc”

10-Thing: “Think”

9-Wash: “Warsh”

8-Dollar: “Dolglar”

7-Mount: “Mayount”

6-Rinse: “Wrench”

5-Oh: “Eww”

4-Quarter: “Coorder”

3-Pound: “Peeyound”

2-Valentine’s: “Ballantines”

Also, as: “Valentime’s”

1-Baltimore: “Bawlamer”

Overcompensation: “Balteemore”

When you can’t even pronounce the name of the city you live in, you’re pathetic, hopeless wastrels.

You see the sports teams. Beyond, there be darkness, death, and the functionally illiterate. I’m not certain of which is worse.

And they never even change their bed linens. That smell you get hit with on I-95 headed to or from the Fort McHenry Tunnels?

Well, now you know the rest of the story. If you’re lucky, maybe the sewage will be more predominant on the summer breeze.

Happy travels, be safe, and hire an interpreter.

Baltimore Man Says No Area Of The City Is Safe

In this WJZ CBS Baltimore article, the story is beyond grim and should be a wake-up for anyone who thought my posts about how dangerous Baltimore City really is were sensationalist.

I don’t live there. Some consider me to therefore be unqualified to write about it, but with being an observer and philosopher as well as a Christian, how am I not supposed to at least try to help others?

A man who did not wish to be named said it all: no neighborhood, no places, not even the tourist attractions of the Inner Harbor, are safe. As of yesterday, 23 March, and since Friday, 20 people had been shot. That, folks, is reason enough to avoid the city line from every directional approach. WJZ tweeted the link, and I read it, and found renewed reason to repeat what I have been writing for years: do not go to Baltimore City. Avoid it at all costs.

I had a chance to get tickets to Paul McCartney at Camden Yards stadium and I’ve always wanted to see him play. I did not even consider it. He has not been here since the Beatles, and this event will never happen again. But it’s a no-brainer; the danger isn’t worth seeing one of the greatest rock singers of all time. That is truly depressing.

With many amazing things to do and see, Baltimore had earned its place for tourists. There’s the Constellation, sister ship to the Constitution up in Massachusetts. The last of the triple-mast, square rigged frigates still afloat, both are a sight to behold, wondrous to explore.

How about a World War Two submarine? They have it. The Science Center, great for all ages. The National Aquarium. Restaurants to satisfy refined or jaded tastes. Baltimore has so much to offer.

The problem is that you aren’t safe there. Shooters pull triggers and don’t care who they kill. They just do it, and the motive is rarely known. It seems arbitrary at times, as if killing itself is all the shooter is after.

Robbery? You can die for being seen at an ATM getting cash. Anger, madness or lunacy, none of that seems to be red flag stuff; there’s no clear reason for toddlers or seniors to be murdered, and there’s nobody to see about that. Police can’t lock up someone behaving erratically and no arrest can be made unless a crime has been committed and there is a suspect. You can’t handcuff someone just for being a big-mouthed asshole. It doesn’t matter what cops think a person is going to do; this isn’t Minority Report.

How likely you are to be the victim of violence in Baltimore changes with every assault and every homicide, but percentages are transcendental figures I despise: you gonna go tell a man’s family that he’s dead because you checked the risk percentages and figured an Orioles game would be cool to attend? Go ahead. Try some shit like that and see the gratitude in their eyes, except it won’t be gratefulness you see. In fact, don’t go near them unless you’re wearing a catcher’s mask.

I’m sorry for having to write these posts.

But I say again, avoid Baltimore City at all costs. Whatever you lose, at least you’ll still be alive.