I don’t have a clue what Tik Tok is and I couldn’t care any less about it.

I’m falling further behind in tech and social media and I really don’t care about that, either. Yeah, from time to time I catch the odd article or email, but you don’t need me to find out what’s going on with those areas of interest. If I tried to do that, it would be like Donald Trump giving an honest statement about….

Well, anything.

Because he doesn’t know jack shit.

About…

Well, anything.

Now to be fair, I’ve only seen one TV commercial for Hello Fresh. I wasn’t impressed; seemed a bit like that crap Dan Marino used to hawk. So many meals a week and so forth.

I’ve eaten free samples of something similar. By “free”, I mean “stolen”. Because they came from a friend who would go to Food Lion and pay for a loaf of bread and a case of Pepsi but walk out with four T-bone steaks hidden somewhere I’d prefer never to know.

These meals were frozen, not “fresh”.

The second time I got food poisoning from that shit, I told her not to send me any more.

It would turn out that when the Schmidt’s Blue Ribbon Bread vendor exchanged the old loaves he removed from the shelf and replaced them with fresh loaves, he’d throw the old ones in the dumpster behind Food Lion. And my friend waited until he left and pulled up to the dumpster and loaded her car with bread, hot dog rolls and muffins.

Actually, that’s how the bread vendor lost his job.

Oh, not because he threw the out-of-date bread away. That was his job.

He got fired, along with a Food Lion deli meat slicer. He was a guy, the deli person a young woman. Just sayin’.

It happened because it worked out that one day the lady who sent me frozen meals that made me sick and stole T-bone steaks in some way that I initially thought physically impossible and then tried to forget, the lady who conducted surveillance on the bread vendor until he left the store so she could grab two loaves of thin sandwich bread and one bag of muffins, got good and tired of waiting.

She had seen him emerge from the secluded back door, followed about a microsecond later by the above-mentioned deli person.

Being as how I came of age in the 70s, I remember very well the van culture where horny teens got themselves unhorny on Saturday night. Chevy vans were the stuff of song and dreams.

Bumper stickers proclaimed, “If this van is rocking don’t come knocking.” But the truth is, I never saw one rocking.

So you can imagine the friend who was sitting in the heat and wanted to get back home to cook some steaks was a bit stunned when she saw the bread truck rocking!

Oh, those two were going at it, all right; bumping uglies bigger than hell, back door still rolled up, right in front of God and everyone.

So the lady in the car dialed the store, screamed to the undoubtedly astonished manager that his deli person was out back squeeling in ecstatic but shrill tones as the Schmidt’s guy humped her for all he was worth.

Well, the way my friend put it, she walked up to the truck as the manager came out, and the couple in heat kept behaving in a most unprofessional manner until the manager hauled off and slammed his hand against Bread Dude’s leg.

Just like that, two shitty careers were over, not that either had planned to make the jobs their entire career.

***

If the frozen meals made me sick, I’m not falling for this “fresh” shit. So the Tik-Tokker in this article is being honest about jasmine rice. And one very underestimated food that can make you sick is rice. Spoiled rice can cause diarrhea and vomiting. If you can’t detect it by the smell, the rule is, when in doubt throw it out.

It so happens that rice went out of my diet years ago.

As for those frozen dinners that made me sick?

They had rice in them.

Happy Monday, everyone.