Invent a holiday! Explain how and why everyone should celebrate.

Assholes get a bad rep. They are misunderstood and we should be ashamed of it.

Assholes are NOT dicks. Big difference. The current speaker of the House is a dick. Dicks are worse than Karens and Kens. They are idiots and they judge you while they do perverted things to you. Unspeakable things. Assholes tell you straight up who’s a dick and why you shouldn’t trust them or put up with them.

Because assholes say, “Fuck them. Tolerance of dicks only makes them worse. Donald Trump is a dick. So is Marjorie Taylor Green, but she’s also a lunatic. I promise you she’s polished a lot of knobs in her time. But to prove she’s a dick she poses with assault rifles. It’s a Freudian fact that guns are phallic symbols. With her sudden and senseless rise to power she may gobble some real phalluses but to show strength, not her dependence on knob-polishing, she poses for pictures with the biggest penis extension she can get her salty hands on.

Julian Assange is a dick. Eric Snowden is a dick. Republicans are dicks. They lie to you, they fuck you and they want to kill you. Their hobbies range from pulling the wings off butterflies to buggering underage boys and reading Mein Kamph. And Kinsey’s books. They think those are true. Kinsey was a dick who interviewed pedophiles who obviously made up most of what they said. And how the fuck did he get the idea that grown women had memories of orgasms at the age of one year or less? Or “explored” their sexuality with family pets? Yeah, he was a total dick.

Hedonists are dicks. And any asshole can tell you this because, fuck that.

If you’re in a serious relationship or a marriage you shouldn’t want to see your partner polishing knobs and getting a sodium overdose. Fuck that.

And Netanyahu is a dick. So is all of Hamas. Dicks, every one of them.

Nixon was a dick. And not just in name, either. He once walked in a marina probably headed to a yacht to smoke grass with Bebe Rebozo when a dude in a phone booth got all excited and asked the president to say hello to his wife. Nixon took the phone, asked the man his wife’s name. Then he said her name into the phone and asked her “who’s this woman your husband’s with?” And continued on his way. That’s a dick. Also, concealing the Watergate affair was the action of a dick. Secretly bombing Laos and Cambodia was a real dick move.

Burt Reynolds was a dick.

Al Capone was a dick.

The history books would not include that word.

Assholes will. Because fuck them.

Assholes are free. They’re hard and stern but not in a bad way. Assholes grew up assholes and did asshole things. They learned from living tough lives and paying dearly for being assholes. A grown asshole lacks finesse. Doesn’t consider style or flourishes. Panache is not in their vocabulary. However, genuine sympathy and a desire to help others is there. You may bot be aware of it at first, but their cynicism and foul language along with blunt honesty cover a soft heart and a weathered soul that desperately needs peace.

It’s time to remember and honor assholes. Without them we would be lost. Therefore I announce that every 6th day of November will be a celebration of Assholes. American Asshole Day. In their honor a flag with a brown spot in the middle and a yellow background will be flown for 24 hours and Scotch should be served one round free.

See you next year, assholes. Keep telling it like it is!