Sergeant Tim: A Haunted Man

I had no choice, or I would never have done it.

Alka-Seltzer heartburn and pain reliever is the only thing that works when my belly gets to heating up and my eyes have caused me to have a headache you wouldn’t believe. I was out. I borrowed enough to get a box, and set out on foot.

It wasn’t so bad. The day had turned nice, but that sun! It hurts far worse than artificial light, and I don’t know how to explain that.

I pay a price for my remaining vision. My eyes hurt, and it’s inside, not just strain. I don’t know, it hit me from behind and got worse fast, and it was scary. But I have to accept that I may be permanently blind before my appointment in May.

And with everything else going on with my body, I could repeat that the world is unfair. I could feel sorry for myself.  I could cry about it.

But God knows what my limit is, and he has my back. The worse I get, the more I seem to be able to take. I don’t want to die, but I don’t fear death. I’ve always feared living more than dying.

But really neat, wonderful things happened. Things I couldn’t have anticipated. Things I wasn’t in an emotional state to be receptive of, because I was scared, upset, and I hate being scared. Mostly because being scared sucks. It just does.

The first wow thing that happened was, I made it into the store, and by memory and by sound and touch, I made it to the drug section. Except that I lost my bearings and stood still, hoping to hear someone close.

There, in an aisle in front of me: an item placed in a cart. A gentle placement. A man, probably a senior. “Sir?”

“Yes?”

Yes, a man, a quality of some age in his voice. Nailed it.

I asked to be pointed towards the digestive medicine aisle. He found it. I was off by two aisles. Not too good, Mike.

I thanked him. I knew where what I wanted was, that is, unless they had moved it. Harris Teeter likes to fuck with its customers by moving shit around. They’ve done it often. But I found it, took it towards the checkout registers. Now to listen for one ringing up items. That one.

It was kind of nice, having that behind me.

Outside, I let the stick in front tapping until I could touch one of the brick columns. Got it. I was passing my old bench, the one I enjoyed drinking coffee while using. I can’t do it anymore.

And Starbucks started making shitty coffee, so I don’t really buy there anymore.

But a voice from that bench asked, “Need help, sir?”

Voice directed at me; I had to answer such a kind offer. “No, sir, I’m good. Thank you.”

He explained that he would be happy to, because he understood. In Afghanistan, he had been in a sandbag hole with a .50 caliber M-2 when the enemy shelling began walking too close. Someone was spotting for the field artillery or mortar crews. He remembers the close hit that forced him to run, and he remembers the hit that took out a knee. He clearly recalls that the pain wasn’t immediate because of his dedication to his men. They were in trouble and enemy fire had killed the platoon sergeant, leaving him in charge.

Carrying the M-2 with a belt in it from a mount in a fixed position is no easy feat under fire, and he did it because he was trained to protect his men. But how he managed to actually fire the massive weapon on the move, he doesn’t really know. There have been documented cases, though, of people doing extraordinary things in circumstances of life and death. In the heat of the moment, they’ve lifted cars off pinned victims, pushed heavy equipment aside, and more.

Sergeant Tim, U.S.M.C. got an Honorable Discharge from the Marines, and has lived the time since with shells exploding in his dreams. He has children, and now grandchildren. He’s disabled and can barely walk, and is going blind. He’s nearly there.

As I stood listening to his story, which came pouring out like a flood of water, he impressed me with his strength. He is not bitter. He did his duty and is proud of it. He saved his men. I have no doubt that they still tell the story to this day, a sergeant firing a ma deuce on the move? “It’s impossible,” they’d say.

He lives it every night in his dreams.

Homeless veterans are taught very quickly that they don’t matter. That they were put into a queue for a meat grinder, and if they survived, fine. But Uncle Sam told them that it was nothing special and they were on their own.

Sergeant Tim is a survivor. He lives somewhere in the forests of Maryland, where he’s made peace with the deer, and because he feeds them, they sleep just beyond the front of his tent. Nature has a way of putting things right: even if his country doesn’t love him, he loves it. And if he ever feels lonely, that herd is always there. They love him, and he has his grandchildren, and they love him.

And now, I love him too. And I wish you could love him. Sergeant Tim and the uncountable others who sacrificed their mental and physical health for a lost cause in a country that the United States so shamefully abandoned, and never should have been sent to in the first place.

Our active service and military veterans get treated like expendable carcasses. They get fed and housed until their time is up, and they always have plenty of ammo, at least until the firefights begin and support units run by clerk-sergeants begin to hold back or runners are too chickenshit to get it to them.

I’ve never understood that. I know what it is, and I may even know why it happens, but there’s no way to comprehend such flagrant disregard for men under fire. While they were out there in the sand and rocks, all they could depend on was each other.

And the courage of leaders like Sergeant Tim.

I heard his voice. I knew he was black, had a tough time growing up, but behind the calloused vocal cords was something else, and I was privileged to be able to hear it since I couldn’t see him.

A refined finish. College? A degree for sure, because men like Sergeant Tim never quit once their mind is set on a goal.

And if Uncle Sam doesn’t remember him, he thinks that’s just how things go. He has friends who let him come and take showers and who are happy to help with his laundry. They cook the food he buys and welcome him to stay as long as he needs to.

But he never stays. That, to him, is taking things too far, imposing too much. That is a semper fidelis Marine.

For now, he seems happy. He wants to be left alone, not crowded, not rushed, not responsible for anything but his needs.

And even if he isn’t happy, he is, at last, at peace, and peace is everything.

I’m honored to have met Sergeant Tim and to have heard his story. I’m honored but humbled by his sad, yet heroic story.

For now, I doubt I will be hearing his voice again soon. I’m not brave enough to keep going up there like that. It’s terrifying.

But a true winner never quits. You can just ask Sergeant Tim if you need proof. He’s been given a life sentence from the hostile sands of Afghanistan, courtesy of a thankless country. He hasn’t quit yet.

And if you happen to wake up in the small hours of the dark to use your latrine, or get a glass of water, please say a prayer for Sergeant Tim and the men and women he served with.

Because those are the hours that they are hearing shells and rockets and gunfire, metal being torn and bent, wounded friends screaming. They hear and see it every night even though they’ve been home for a while now. Those dreams never stop. Maybe a prayer will help, who knows? With a bit of faith, anything is possible. I’m sure he would appreciate a night off from the firefight.

After I left his company, I began to pick and tap my way home. There was one more wonderful surprise waiting ahead. As a forceful west wind kicked up, letting me know which way to go, I got closer to the footpath and there it was, big as life. Flowers. I couldn’t see them. That’s sad, isn’t it?

Not really. For the first time in decades, I smelled them. I had forgotten that scent, that sense. And it’s beautiful!

I’m blessed.

Thank you and God bless you to our veterans and active service men and women.

And God bless Sergeant Tim.

Movie Review: “Ghosts of War” (English, 2020)

First off, this very dark and graphic movie isn’t for everyone. Most critics hate it and won’t recommend it. And although it is a release of the Lockdown, not many got to see it then because of limited access. As subscription prices rise to rival the cost of cable, free streaming is a myth standing in front of the growing cost of internet service.

Assuming that you have internet access, then, I suppose you already subscribe to at least one streaming service. Through the magic of the web, once online you can see a load of free movies and TV shows with ads that aren’t unbearable in the commercial break length.

So what to watch, with horrible weather and too many reasons to just chill inside?

Take your pick. Search any film title and the results show where you can see it. Some are on specific subscription services like Disney Plus or Hulu. Not worth the cost, since you’re already paying for Wi-Fi.

I’ve been getting Fios emails warning me that my service will increase in cost in January. They ignore the fact that they’re not the only game in town and should stay competitive, but then again, when does a corporation ever care about its customers?

Tubi is my go-to app for free movies and TV, but I still love the Amazon Prime benefit of tons of movies for cheap, without censorship or ad breaks.

That being said, the heat of summer and the bouts of rain here keep me indoors a lot. Discovering Ghosts of War was one rare treasure that I found compelling and intense. On Tubi now, it’s worth seeing by anyone who likes science fiction, horror and war in one movie.

That’s not to say that it’s particularly frightening; my first viewing had me pausing to take considerable breaks for smokes. It’s ugly stuff, as any movie about war should be. I’m not pushing an anti-war conviction here; all wars have always been nothing but humanity at its very worst, full of carnage, disease, war crimes, and the always present deaths of civilians, crudely called “collateral damage”. I’m saying that in my view, war is terrifying, leaving damaged or dead people everywhere it goes, like a plague. It is stupid, but not merely so; it is the very height of the stupidity of the human race.

I have never been in a major theatre of combat, but I’ve had a brief taste and it can’t be described. The closest thing on screen was the Omaha Beach portion of Saving Private Ryan.

When grenades and mortar shells hit nearby, the loss of hearing except for ringing in the ears and general shock and disorientation Captain Miller experiences are real. You’re terrified by bullets zinging past you, but that state is, and must be, overcome by the adrenaline it produces. It is unforgettable. Years later, decades later, the haunting memory of it gets worse, not better.

Our movie begins in the French countryside in 1944. Five soldiers from the 82nd Airborne are camped at night. The squad leader awakes and sees someone in the trees lighting a cigarette and watching them. He clenches his eyes shut, as a child does when trying to banish something out of a nightmare. When he opens his eyes again, the mysterious man is gone.

The next morning, they continue toward their assigned destination, a chateau 30 miles away by foot. On hearing a German jeep coming, they mine the road and watch as the vehicle hits it. This is our real introduction to the squad: they shoot the survivors, all but one of which would die anyway. Butchie, the big guy, wants to fistfight a major who’s in remarkably good shape considering what just happened. It’s unlikely. Also, the jeep was completely blown apart, but is now lying upside down and basically in one piece. You think it’s a goof, a cheap plot device by the director.

But it’s not. This is how they’re experiencing it. Butchie starts out strong in the fistfight, but the Nazi major quickly begins to beat him. That’s until the squad leader shoots the major in the head with his pistol.

Here’s the cast of the squad:

Chris, the squad leader: Brenton Thwaits

Alan Richson as Butchie, the big, tough guy

Theo Rossi as Kirk

Skylar Astin as Eugene, the brains in the outfit

Kyle Gallner as Tappert, squad sniper, who chews up every scene he’s in. Without him, this movie wouldn’t be worth watching.

Not to be overlooked is the dynamic between the squad members. There’s mistrust, apprehension and a tension that is visible from the beginning, but which becomes palpable later.

On reaching the chateau to relieve the current squad on watch, they find that the relieved members are dodging questions, antsy and far too anxious to leave: our first clue that something isn’t right here.

Searching the house, they find clues of a disturbing nature, and experience doors slamming shut, noises from the fireplace that sound like voices and then Morse code, and a dead animal dropping from the chimney. Eventually, even the level-headed, dedicated Chris admits that the chateau is haunted. Butchie wants to leave, but Chris refuses, saying that abandoning their post is sure to end in their court-martial.

But things get worse. Eugene finds the journal of a Nazi soldier, which describes what the Germans did to the Helwig family, the owners before the Reich moved in and made the beautiful chateau a headquarters. It’s ugly, merciless stuff, enough to horrify anyone. Having discovered that the Helwigs had sheltered Jews, the family’s executions are appropriately gross and barbaric; Nazis executed almost everyone suspected of harboring Jews.

This theme could trigger Holocaust survivors or their descendants, or anyone with a soul. But that’s not the end.

Through the course of the movie, I spotted what I thought were major mistakes. One was the 90 degree angled flashlight. But I looked it up and found that different models were in fact issued, but not widely, to G.I.s in WW2. The earliest had black caps at either end, but later the entire thing was OD green. No problem there.

The use of Thompson machine guns by everyone but the sniper is as incorrect as you can get. Squad leaders (like Captain Miller in Saving Private Ryan) would bear a Tommy, while the others would have carried the M-1 Garand, a rifle so superior to everything the Axis had that General George Patton called it the best weapon of the war and credited it with the Allies’ victory. All of these men carry Tommies, and sidearm, a mistake.

But, I do not consider this or any other inconsistencies to be mistakes.

For one, the squad wears the patches of both airborne and infantry. This is accounted for in the end.

Tappert overhears the others talking about him and later tells Eugene the story behind the cat’s cradle. This makes him both sympathetic and the worst mental casualty of them all. His face is worn by extreme fatigue and yet he tells the story of how he didn’t sleep for 5 days after Strasbourg.

“What I did to those Hitler youth was a fucking nightmare,” he says, but describes the scene as seeing it as an out-of-body experience. “I wanted to kill the eggs before they hatched,” he says. He describes decapitation of one boy who then sits up and makes a cat’s cradle with string. Eugene had told the others, “it wasn’t the first move”, which is inexplicable. Tappert gives that wan smile, tears coming from his eyes, and says in a southern accent, “…and what am I gonna do? I mean, I just cut his head off, am I gonna be rude? So I played cat’s cradle with him and then he just layed back down. It was like a fever dream. I forgot that happened until you reminded me.”

He already told Eugene that his mother liked scary movies. He names two: Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy and I was a Teenage Werewolf, both of which were not released until a decade after the end of the war. Some are quick to jump on this, calling it a glaring mistake. I believe it’s not a mistake at all but is explained in the end.

The chateau ends up getting attacked by Nazis, but the squad fends them off, but Butchie jumps on a grenade and won’t live much longer.

He comes awake through the morphine shots and screams, “This isn’t real” several times, then saying, “it was us!”. Then he tells them to “Remember”, and dies.

I’ve checked everything I saw and questioned in the movie and came away with very little that couldn’t be explained by the end.

In closing, I’ve met many war veterans in my life. Almost to a man they displayed behavior that can only be explained by trauma and tremendous guilt. And which is worse? Or are they always together and come in a bundle like insurance? I’ve known men who bore guilt but never admitted it. I learned how to spot it and adjust my discussions accordingly. The more I learned about my own condition, the less I understood it. PTSD costs millions in lost time at work and accidents from dissociation. War and abuse have more power to wreck lives than modern medicine has to fix the damage.

Here, we see a shocking end that makes a wild payoff, but leaves questions. I found no evidence of the curse used, and the men could not have “all said it at one time or another,” as a doctor claims. Chris had a tube for ventilation or feeding, Tappert has no lower jaw, and Butchie died. The questions linger. But that’s effective, as are the jump scares, phantom images and floors creaking. Critics call this a movie full of clichés. I don’t. I recommend it and score it 9 out of ten.

Too Late, Too Little, Too Disgraceful

If you lived on base at Camp Lejeune during the period 1953-1987, a suspect time frame, and drank or bathed in tap water, you were Exposed to dangerous chemicals and qualify for “benefits”. Whatever the fuck that means.

As this article states, a number of harmful chemicals were found in the water. I knew a Marine who died of a heart attack around 1982. He had previously suffered an attack, had bypass surgery, and it only bought him about 8 years. His ischemic heart disease was only one of several problems he suffered. Ischemic heart disease is linked to Agent Orange, a plant defoliant used during the Vietnam War. It got its name by the orange band of paint around the center of the black 55 gallon drums it came in. But Agent Orange is responsible for a lot of dead soldiers and Marines, and long before anyone in Washington dared admit it, men were dying of various cancers. Then the chemical was linked to a host of other maladies, most being costly to treat, causing terrible suffering and, in the end, death. I knew men who passed away because of it, just as I knew men who had serious problems holding a job or working a fixed schedule, issues with sudden anger, hostility in general, or conversely were glib and cavalier. In other words, victims of PTSD. They all had one thing in common: they fought in the bush in Vietnam. Sometimes there was another common element: they had spent a lot of time at Lejeune.

And for what it’s worth, these described qualifications for benefits are bullshit. You have to prove a connection. And you can not have a discharge other than Honorable.

I regard honor above many traits of humanity, but let’s set one thing straight: if you are responsible for someone’s illness, and you make help available to others with the same illness, then no matter the nature of their discharge, they should get the same help. I don’t care what anyone says, liability is a fixed issue. Besides, veterans with Other Than Honorable discharges aren’t all criminals and miscreants; some are injured, hence a medical discharge, some fall outside of weight requirements, others made bad choices they never thought would get them kicked out of the Corps. To have that be the reason for not being able to afford treatment–for that to be the root cause of your death, is heinous.

But it is hardly anything new. Men have been dishonorably discharged for no more reason than a superior officer simply not liking them. Some officers even make shit up, fill in forms with false information. You really believe that never happened? It has, and it will always be so. Sometimes it is the dishonorable who get to stay.

Look. Just give our veterans what they need to survive. There was a story one Vietnam vet told about a guy in his company who suddenly started to masturbate dozens of times a day. Anywhere, it didn’t matter. He’d been pushed way beyond his breaking point. Medical or psychological discharge right there. Did he get benefits, treatment? I never learned what became of the guy. I rather doubt that he got help. They kick you out for shit like that. Then they forget you. Or they lock you in a psych ward and you still get no real help. You can languish and linger in a hell hole for years.

Veteran groups like The Few, The Proud, The Forgotten should not need to exist. Men and women who have served our country should not have to suffer without help simply because they enlisted. That is my definition of dishonor.

I have heard their stories. They’re all terrible. Some were openly and visibly fucked up. Others hid it. Or they tried to. They put on a brave face. They said things like, “It was nothing to us. We’d hear a battle and say, ‘Hey, there’s firefight, let’s go see what’s happening’ and we’d go get in The Shit.” But one way or another, their trauma would always surface, and more often than not, they were scary men.

PTSD, chemical exposure, contaminated water, it doesn’t matter, and I haven’t even mentioned the Camp Lejeune imported drywall scandal. We treat our veterans shamefully and there is no excuse anyone can give that would be honest or true in any way.

It’s the reward for serving one’s country.

It’s fucking dishonorable.