Okay, I’ve had enough for today. This just keeps getting worse. I got blocked by the friend who I was talking about but never named, and sure, that’s okay. She was right to do it.
What am I anyway? There’s nothing about me that’s worth mentioning. Face it, how many times have you told friends, “did you see what he wrote?” Or shared one of my posts? How many subscribers have unfollowed me or turned off notifications? See? I don’t matter, I don’t make a difference. Does anyone “like” my posts? One. I got one in about what, six months?
In this unfathomably vast cosmos, I’m not even a speck. Physicists use calculations I couldn’t do even with help, and they erroneously, arrogantly claim to know things that even the most powerful telescope ever built can see. They should be ashamed of themselves, just as I’m ashamed for ever believing I mattered. It’s pure arrogance.
Why should I wait for the long or quick pain of dying? I’m not finding any reason to be on this planet anymore. I try, and all I can think is that my whole life has been a train wreck. I hurt people I love, so why bother loving people? You think I can’t turn it off? There’s one way I can.
I don’t want to be here anymore. Life is not a Louis Armstrong song, it’s full of pain, terror and every manner of evil that men can do. It’s not a blessing or a gift, it’s a curse, a nightmare, one we can’t wake up from. I can’t hide it anymore. I know we’re going to lose everything. I know how evil the United States has become. We didn’t start wars until Korea and Vietnam, but we’ve always been barbarians. Now we’re bombing innocent people in countries that were no threat to us. That’s butchery and a thousand war crimes, and we’re sitting here taking it.
And it’s too late. Now protests are going to be met with lethal force. Who cares about CS gas, they’ll use heavy machine guns. You watch, it’s not a question of if, but when.
I say, “fuck it. I ain’t sticking around to watch how this apocalyptic movie ends.” I don’t want to, and I don’t have to.
I was right to give this site its title. I’m an asshole, and that is all.
Memoirs of an American Asshole 