A Night Not At The Movies

Jesus Christ at the popcorn counter! On Prime Video, fucking “Melania” has an automatic preview in the top cycle. I never realized how much I hate even her voice! “Everyone wants to know, so here it is–“

Hold UP.

“EVERYONE?”

EVERYONE WHO?

I’ll bet she can’t name ONE PERSON other than herself that wanted to watch that schlock. “I wanted to see it, so here it is–“

Hold up!

With a 1.4 * rating on IMDb, I kinda think nobody who was forced to watch it or review it, except for maybe Clint Eastwood and Kid Rock, actually liked it, Mrs. Worst Lady. And even if Malpaso does the sequel, even Eastwood would hate it. Besides, that second or two clip I saw was accompanied by the vibe and/or music of one of those early 60s movies previews about fairy tail, whirlwind romances they call “classics” now, but back then, were all we had. Every TV network signed off at midnight with the final notes of the national anthem, which used to move our hearts, although misguidedly, because we were patriots. America was good to some of us, so some of us were… brainwashed.

At that time, Jim Crow was everywhere, like some fallen god, and being black was not safe. Vietnam was destined to become a meat grinder, Doris Day was a sex symbol (eww, but still leagues above Melananemia.

I remember the drive-in theaters, the rabbit ears for the TV, and playing outside in all seasons because TV basically bored me. By the time CBS Friday Night at the Movies came on, I was settled enough to put up with Doris Day, Rock Hudson and sometimes even more questionable stars like John Wayne (he wasn’t the best actor and somehow got away with it because of an occasional, accidental hit like “True Grit,” in which he shined with a supporting cast that included a stellar turn by Glen Campbell. Of course, even Kim Darby has softened over the years, bad as she was as an actress. By 1974, she was relegated to the worst made-for-TV movies I would ever see in my lifetime, up to this day.

My own list, and it’s subjective, of the worst movies ever made, includes horseshit like “Speed Racer,” with houses and furniture in Playmobil and Fischer-Price colors, and cars that never even ran. No engines, just green screen LSD-tripping.

Of course, “Batman and Robin” nearly killed Clooney’s, O’Donnell’s, and even Schwarzenegger’s careers, and probably DID spell the end for Alicia Silverstone, who, last I heard, was still breastfeeding her son, aged 60. And let us not forget, the boys got Bat-nipples on their costumes, but not Silverstone’s Batgirl, which she felt discrimination for, and possibly resulted in her still giving the teat to a kid all the way to through his college and professional careers.

I’m not knocking breast feeding. There’s just a point when it really goes on too long.

“Melanemia” is a benchmark movie, a milestone in badness that proves every aspect of our society is infected with mediocrity and corruption.

And NO, Mrs. Worst Lady, we don’t want to see it. In fact, we’re still taking bets on whether you’re even human.

Personally, I think you were manufactured as an AI sexbot.

Glen Campbell and John Wayne are rolling over in their graves, and somewhere, Doris Day and Kim Darby are grinning like the Cheshire Cat.