Every time I forget to keep it down and I speak in a normal voice, it hurts. My voice goes to a painful whisper.
I’m losing my battle.
Lately I sleep day and night. I’m exhausted. Depression weakens me further, takes my energy away and leaves me in helpless despair.
I don’t want you to pity me, I have no need for sympathy. I want you to look back on my archives (they go back to 2019) and learn from me. About mental illness. About heartbreak. Betrayal. Of my outrage at the state of my country (United States)and how we have alienated allies and trade partners by letting a president be a boob and a bully.
Looking back, you’ll see my brushes with real evil, something people like to refer to as “the supernatural,” which is really a part of our natural world that we can’t understand.
I don’t think we’re meant to understand everything. Sometimes, God wants us to trust him for help and guidance. Without God, this existence makes no sense, and I have yet to hear one argument by an atheist that was able to shake my faith, or, for that matter, make any sense.
I want you to read about mental illness from one who has endured it all his life. Learn where you can, what you can, and give me the benefit of the doubt. Don’t close the link too fast; there’s something here for everyone.
Humor, demonic encounters, being an Army “shitbird,” child abuse, great tragedy through loss, heartache at a life I should have lived, but never had a chance to, and more. I’ve done movie reviews, videogame reviews, talked about dumb criminals, and more.
I’d be honored to have you stop by and see me in my raw, unplanned posts that reveal my mental illnesses. Before I go, please take advantage of what I’ve been through and learn. If nothing else, at least see where I’ve been and the horror I’ve known. Please sign in and “like” (hit the little star at the bottom so I can know you were here. Share links. I’ll gain nothing but you may gain a crude understanding of what happens when children are beaten and raped by their own parents. See how I climbed out of the pit of racism, taught to me by my parents. How I had to choose to climb that ladder.
Most of all, see what smoking has done to me. I’ve killed myself.
My life wasn’t always a nightmare. There were good times when I know someone was praying for me, and God answered those prayers with miracles.
I’ve lived a hard and bitter life. I don’t want anyone to trace my steps. I don’t hate anyone enough to wish that on another.
And remember: hating someone poisons your soul, not theirs. Hate will drag you to Hell.
I’ve overreacted to the news lately. As I’ve said, it’s a trap, the figurative equivalent of quicksand. I said I hated someone. Left comments I regret. Ugly ones.
That’s the only way I can truly lose this fight.
The battle to save my body was over before I was aware that it was this bad.
The fight for my soul is another thing. I don’t plan on losing it.
I’m not losing the battle. No, I’m not going down there.
A Poem to Make You Think
“You lived next door to me for years;
We shared our dreams, our joys and tears.
A friend to me you were indeed,
A friend who helped me when in need.
My faith in you was strong and sure;
We had such trust as should endure,
No spats between us ever rose;
Our friends were like – and so, our foes.
What sadness, then my friend, to find,
That after all, you weren’t so kind,
The day my life on earth did end,
I found you weren’t a faithful friend.
For all those years we spent on earth,
You never talked of second birth.
You never spoke of my lost soul,
And of the Christ who’d make me whole!
I plead today from hell’s cruel fire,
And tell you now my least desire –
You cannot do a thing for me;
No words today my bonds will free.
But do not err, my friend, again –
Do all you can for souls of men.
Plead with them now quite earnestly,
Lest they be cast in hell with me!”
— John Masaitis
Memoirs of an American Asshole 