Maggie May

For Maggie

I’ve loved many women in my life. None were ever going to work out. It’s just the way things went for me.

Two, I never told. I loved them too much to do that to. I was not good enough, and somehow, without knowing exactly what or why, I knew that something was wrong with me. I would have brought them down, and when you love someone, really love them, your own needs and desires have to be put on the back burner. They come first. That’s what love tells you to do.

None of the women I’ve loved, though, put up with more than you did. I look back, and I see that I’ve caused the exact damage I had always hoped to spare the women, the people, the family I was so blessed to have had in my life.

I was always in turmoil. Always having crises. It never stopped, and I was too stupid to see that it never would. I thought I could pull off at least one good thing in my life. The condition I’m in, have been in, means that I may have begun my life with potential for great things and a soul mate, but wound up with nothing at all.

That’s not my fault, I know, but it’s how things turned out for me. The damage is too severe, much more than I thought even six months ago.

They say PTSD gets easier to quell as time goes by. For me, the opposite. I would have been a burden and a source of deep sadness for you. I couldn’t do that to you. I thought when you went silent after I wrote critically about Taylor Swift that the betrayal I felt was justified. But I know that people have their heroes, and to put those down is a source of anger to a fan.

You’re allowed to feel however you do. We can seldom control how we feel. It’s okay.

I also became aware that I was inadvertently coming between you and your daughter. You two needed time together and you still do. I refuse to be in that picture. You’ve both been through so much, and it’s time for some together time and healing.

I hope you can heal. Both of you. I hope you get all of the good things that you deserve. You’re such wonderful women.

Anyway, I’m not getting better. I don’t need someone to complain to, nor do I need anyone to pity me or sympathize. Neither will help me. Right now, I need prayer and absolution.

You have been a true blessing in my life. I think only good things about you. I will forget anything negative and I will be left with only good memories.

I’m sorry for the times that I hurt, confused, or dragged you down. You didn’t deserve that, and I will always regret it.

We never got the chance to say goodbye. I think it’s better that we didn’t. I don’t believe I could have endured such a thing. My heart has broken too many times. That’s selfish of me, but I know it’s the way sometimes, and I accept it.

I’ll never love again. It’s not possible. One man can only take so much. It’s time for me to be alone and make peace with that. May God continue to bring you miracles and happiness.