I discovered this by sheer accident, running across it while trying to define more specific details about my own behavior. Additional searches had to go beyond the first place I found and read, because I knew that I was on to something very important.
A year ago I did something I swore not to do: I went back on Facebook (META) because some friends had enquired to another friend as to my well-being. I reestablished contact with old friends and was happy. For a while, everything was okay.
Then, to my shame, I suddenly deleted my account. No contact whatsoever. I was again isolated and safe. My older brother suggested that it was a typical and habitual thing for me and that perhaps, just for family, I should restore the account. So I did. All of my former friends were blocked except for family members. Just in time too; that brother was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and in quick succession had a major heart attack and then a bypass. I kept in touch, asking his spouse for updates, praying, worrying, crying. No, my brother, my mentor, my teacher–could not leave me like this!
A selfish sentiment on the surface until you know that he was my true father. No, not biologically; I mean that while our father was nothing more than a jailer and torturer, offering guidance only in the form of brainwashing, Joe acted as his stand-in, for decades giving me clear advice, and a shoulder to cry on. I couldn’t lose him, not now; I still needed him! But so did so many others, family, extended family, friends, too many to count. Such an extraordinary man loved by far more than just me. How could we deal with this situation? How would it go?
In the back of my mind, I knew that if any man on this earth could beat such incredible hurtles, my brother Joe was that guy.
How I reacted on Facebook, though, by abandoning friends so suddenly after doing so before, troubled me long after Joe rallied. Just like I knew he would.
Why did I keep doing this?
Was it the politics, the incessant and progressive hopelessness I felt over this country’s future? I had started back with funny memes and videos. I had wanted to spread cheer and humor.
But that didn’t last, as I should have known it couldn’t. And the stress, the anxiety, the pressure built up. The fight/flight was half gone. All that was left was flight. So that’s what I did. I told someone that it was for my mental health. And that’s true; I was going through things I couldn’t talk about, and the attempts to do so were met with zero “likes”, no emojis, no comments. I expected more from friends. I felt ignored, abandoned and bitter. Here I was, always responding to their posts, while mostly the ones who reacted, if anyone, were my brother-in-law and my wonderful stepmother.
Going through a mental health crisis is a horror. Let no one disagree. Let no one tell you “it’s all in your head” as if you’re some goldbricking, malingering faker or hypochondriac. It’s fucking hard.
It’s far worse when you can’t even get a proper diagnosis. Mine is “Post traumatic stress w/severe depression” and more, and I see now that it’s as incorrect as it can be.
Complex PTSD, or CPTSD is not formally recognized in American medical care. So this brilliant article seems to bravely contradict what American “experts” say. But the fact that the World Health Organization (WHO) does recognize CPTSD is both revealing and hopeful.
I say revealing, because the constant and ongoing push by American conservatives to deny disabling disorders has gained momentum, and yet I’m hopeful that people with this crippling condition can finally be properly treated and given the help that they both need and deserve.
I have never truly been convinced that borderline personality disorder is a valid diagnosis. I’ve known, and been terrorized by, too many people with that label to fail to see clearly that their actions are not definable by any one diagnosis, and also that the diagnosis itself is a label that does not fit everyone who has it. It results in unfair treatment by doctors, employers and others. Therefore it is my opinion that more to their story must be uncovered. And many do not wish to talk about it. They can express anger, show talent for manipulation and the need for control, but why is the real question, so we can’t know for sure. Besides, clinicians still argue about personality disorders and whether they’re even a thing. Learned behavior is not easy to define, discuss or treat.
CPTSD accomplishes the settlement of these arguments and it is very real. Tomorrow I’ll be back to illustrate why I’m convinced of the reality and validity of this new concept of mental illness.
Memoirs of an American Christian 