Laissez-faire

There is, first, a mental breakdown. My nerves crumbled to dust inside me. To my horror, I did not know who I was. I still greeted neighbors but not by name. I did not know their names. If they called me by name, fine. But that name meant nothing to me.

My home became unfamiliar and I skipped meals. I remember now that I stopped playing games, that I watched movies as if seeing them for the first time.

It was at the least as if I were in an alien world; it was at the most terrifying. I checked my identification constantly: was that really me?

It had happened before but never like this. I came to realize how significant it was. That if it keeps happening, one day I may not get myself back.

Along with this came a feeling of solitude, loneliness and the realization of just how worthless I am. Feeling worthless is not new to me either; I’ve always felt it to some degree or other. But feeling completely useless is different, and it is worse. I’m not out of that yet. I’m only now becoming hazily aware of my identity.

Not that I care; I may be less frightened, but that’s about all.

I’m aware that I had depended on others too much. A loss of contact made me feel helpless. Social media friends did not help; unawares and unintentionally, they made it worse. Trigger after trigger, even if I can’t remember what they were, caused a cascade into despair and madness. I remember almost nothing after my last post, and unless I go back and look at the date, I won’t know how long I was “gone”. Maybe it was a week? Damned if I know.

To lose oneself so is an indignity. To be reduced to nobody, that’s a cruelty not easy to take.

Nobody even noticed. That’s the worst part. If anyone questioned me, I feel as if I would remember it. I don’t.

What I’m seeing here is the need not to depend on others for any kind of friendship or support. Having a friend is not the same as needing a friend. As long as one is needy, true friends will never be real.

I’m going to try my best to let things go. Just sit back and detach, watch others chase their tails and to keep away from politics. Laissez-faire.

I have no one to talk to. People never listen. You’re supposed to listen to them, though. Oh, yes. But but if I talk, people say “I don’t want to talk about this” or they cut me off with more of their own problems.

My listening can’t help anyone. Me talking, well that’s different.

I will never make that mistake again.