Life

I’ll tell you, that hit when I fell, it’s got me screwed up. It hurts and hurts and hurts. There’s no sense seeing a doctor because there was no sign of trauma like fluid or blood in the ears, blacking out later, impairment, swelling, vision changes that were dramatic, a goose egg, nothing.

My nightmares increased. Every one of them involved dead people. As in, I was talking and interacting with them. In one, William Shatner was confined to a wheelchair and I was helping his nurse buckle him in so he could go to the ramp and board a flight….to the final destination.

It’s okay, he missed the flight, but these dreams involve my deceased parents too.

I had already decided to put regrets and stupid relationships that really weren’t relationships behind me. I have no room for regrets.

There is no time left for them. So when I finally caught on that emails to and from a general manager and my fiction blog for Halloween were really a source of discomfort for them, I blocked the site, the email address and was done.

Ordinarily I’d feel like a fool. Not this time. If I’m making someone uncomfortable or if I disturb them, I expected them to tell me. But I learned. I learned that I don’t know anything at all, that others do not behave as I have expected in the past, and there is no way to know what they’re thinking. I can understand someone disliking me. Most people I’ve met or come across in my 60+ years did not like me. I get it.

So tell me. But, they rarely do. Some just pretend to either like or respect you, an act I find more hateful and disrespectful than telling me to “fuck off”.

You don’t like someone? Don’t communicate. Okay? If they persist, try for once to be honest and genuine. I’ll respect that, and what’s more is, I’ll appreciate it. My respect for you will never fade. Honesty is the honorable and right way to handle things.

I consider what the people who acted the part most recently to be dishonorable, disrespectful and rather cruel.

As a Christian, I forgive. Anything. Everything. I may hate an act or a statement but never the people who do those things. I’ve come to far for hate and regret to drag me backwards.

At the same time, I have no choice but to give others trust. Knowing full well how it may turn out can’t stop that. Trust will often get you hurt. But without it one lives a dark and lonely life, full of anger, fear and with no room for God to help.

This is a choice people make — that I have made. I believe it leads to Hades. We were created to evolve, to learn, grow, do new things, but never alone.

I will always trust, love, get hurt, and do it again. That’s life.

And yet, as I sit here in pain, I still must claim to know nothing. Oh, I have questions, of course I do. But no answers. There is nothing to do but keep going, and to take each day — each minute — one at a time, and know that, somehow, I am blessed.

That I am blessed.

If you have read this far, you are part of that blessing, and I thank you.

Be well.