Bunk and Circuses

Ah, recessions and inflation, you gotta love em, right? We may go hungry, but the longest-running scams in human history do very well in such times as these.

Did you think Alex Jones was done for when he lost his right by way of a court ruling to keep saying that the Sandy Hook shooting was staged?

Think again. The man is a maniac and he’s psycho, but a lousy salesman, he is not.

And if you’re like me, you probably never recovered from the fact that he makes millions off his complete line of completely stupid products. There’s his chocolate chicken bone milkshakes that restore–hell, I forget what they do. But on one segment of his show he demonstrated how delicious it was by drinking the shit. Well, I take that back. He sampled it, made the grimace of a sickened hemlock drinker–Socrates, minus the famous wisdom.

Actually he’s a lot like Dr. Oz. He sells shit to the public with false claims and pockets profits that would make Joel Osteen turn green with pure jealousy. Jones’s line of products have been determined to be everything from toxic to completely useless to nonsensical. And fraudulent.

He was lampooned twice by John Oliver and I have no doubt he still sells perineal wipes. Oh, come on. You didn’t know? Yes, Jones sells wet wipes (specifically) for the area between your genitals and your anus. During the COVID-19 lockdown he sold some shit he swore would prevent you from catching the virus. That is, he did, until the FDA told him to knock that shit off. Jones is but one scammer in a huge cesspool of flim-flammers, snake oil salesmen and whatever else you want to call these thieves who take money from the gullible and never miss a good night’s sleep.

It’s okay. These guys always get their comeuppance in the end. Jim and Tammy Bakker scammed millions from their followers on a retreat that was supposed to be a paradise in which to seek peace and restoration. It ended up being one 8-room shithole. Meanwhile, the Bakkers pissed the money away by weird shit like Jim’s pissy-ass, baby demands that whole baker’s racks of cinnamon rolls be placed in his bedroom every morning. He didn’t eat them, didn’t even like them. Just liked waking up to the smell of fresh cinnamon buns. One time he bought a Rolls Royce even though he and Tammy’s PTL ministry was edging very close to complete and total failure. The brat even once threw a hissy fit when either ketchup or mustard wasn’t on his hamburger. Remind you of anyone?

One Rolls Royce turned into two. A private jet. Another glamorous car. A retreat and theme park, the former of which he sold more than 100 percent capacity. And this was fucking timeshares!

Then it came out that Jim and a fellow preacher had raped his church secretary, and the empire crashed. He had paid Jessica Hahn hush money and screwed up his books. Well, it had gone so badly by then that if he did keep two ledgers as was suspected, neither one of them would have looked very good.

The revelation of the payout to Hahn drew scorn from atheists to liberal Christians who did not like the idea of raping young women and having hundred thousand dollar toilets.

I don’t know about you, but when I gotta shit, I could not possibly care less as to what the commode looks like. I don’t even care where it is. A latrine, a Johnny on the spot, a hole in the ground — it doesn’t matter. I don’t even care if that hole in the ground is occupied by some kind of animal, long as it doesn’t bite or sting my perineal area. It’d be humiliating to have to buy soothing perineal wipes from infowars.

Where was I? Oh, right. Jim Bakker. Well, he got this bright idea of resigning from PTL and handing the reigns over to Jerry Falwell. Who, it turned out, found incredible amounts of missing money and had no problem with saying it out loud. He took permanent control and barred the Bakkers from ever coming back. Then the IRS dropped the bomb.

Bakker and two associates were charged with conspiracy and fraud, Jim was sentenced to 45 years in prison, and wife and false eyelash model Tammy Faye divorced his ass before the damage spread to her.

While I watched all this between and after training, I burned with anger. Here, in one married couple, I thought, was every single thing wrong with false churches. Greed, money, fraud, graft, bribery, sexual perversion and predation, and yet — yet, people scammed out of thousands, tricked and deceived and used so badly, still loved this fucker. How?

Because I didn’t quite believe they understood what he’d done and they were forgiving him anyway! I believed then, as I do now, that to forgive is a Godly, honorable thing, but that’s not exactly what I was seeing either. They all worshipped this filth. Worshipped, and that was the first time I got just how evil the televangelists really were. And they began falling like dominoes.

Jimmy Swaggert had already been outed as a perv for getting caught with a hooker. In 1991, he was pulled over by police for three moving violations: no seatbelt, no vehicle registration, driving on the wrong side of the road. He was with a prostitute at the time. When are men gonna learn, huh? You need to wait until the room is rented before you get her to faceplant into your lap; that way you don’t drive over the line and piss off police officers. How dumb can you get? He should have read The Glitter Dome by Joseph Wambaugh.

I know you probably think I’m a conservative preacher-basher. Well, you’re right. I am.

Because on his release from prison, just as a dog returns to his own vomit, Bakker went right back to his old ways. He found a new eyeliner wife, kind of a Tammy Faye clone; a sugar daddy who gave him the funds to build new condos, and it’s sickening to me.

But one thing’s clearly changed.

He no longer does that seed gospel or “prosperity” gospel shit. Oh, no.

Now he’s a doomsday prepper, hawking buckets of diarrhea as food, and the buckets even double as flotation (!) devices. He wants you to know that the End Days are upon us. After listening to his melodramatic bullshit, I’m never going to write about that subject again. This dickhead went from perverted selfish man-baby and hustler to a convict, a hustler, and a doom-sayer who scares the shit out of people in order to sell bullshit products to gullible people who can’t afford it but swear he’s been reformed.

He’s far from it and here we have another scammer who tried to sell some shit on the claim that it prevented COVID-19. It didn’t, and the FDA threatened to knock his dick in the dirt unless he ceased the sale and renounced his claims. Snake oil.

Jim Bakker, like Alex Jones, is a swine. Not my judgment; it shows in everything they do. And both claim the faith. Both scare people to keep watching and listening and buying their bunk products.

That’s not okay.

Bonus scam: crystals

Yeah, I’m gonna talk bad about crystals. If you don’t want to read it, then please feel free to close this tab.

Spiritualism, talking to the dead, summoning spirits, praising Zeus and Artemis or other gods, contacting angels and demons. Some type of this is practiced by novices, witches, and a host of other people. And New Ageism is going strong.

One of the best-selling products out there is crystals. They come from everything from quartz to birthstones and sell big.

The reason is that they are believed to contain certain energies. This crystal is good for the 3rd eye Chakra, that one is better for genital Chakra. And so on, restoring balance to mind and body and whatever.

It’s a lot of crappola. What scares me most, though, is people using them to summon spirits to accompany them in astral projection. I’ve covered this before. Any spirit you manage to summon will not be a good one. God doesn’t lend his angels out for selfish or evil purposes. They obey his commands, and that’s it. We are not to worship angels. That’s an abomination. You’d fare better praying to a god that never existed, like Hera.

Because if you don’t summon anything good, and something does answer your call, it is the beginning of a nightmare. You won’t like it. And if that nightmare happens, it’s not likely to end without serious help. Forget reiki masters. Real life ain’t like television, folks. You’ll only make things worse. Stop with the seances and ouija boards. You’ll need God’s help and the clock is ticking.

One of several complaints about Ed and Lorraine Warren is that when a family was struggling with incidents they couldn’t understand and needed help, the Warrens would just show up unbidden. And Lorraine, with her seances, always made it worse. Because that shit calls demons to this plane.

More than one story depicted in movies turned out to have been falsified. The Conjuring 2 was a complete fabrication. Or prevarication. In other words, it was bullshit. The Warrens showed up unsolicited and were them promptly told to leave. That’s it. And adding the dramatic ending with that stupid Bee Gees song was plain drek.

The Annabelle stories are a riot, though. Unintentional black comedy is the best. I screamed with laughter.

And just in case you think I’m piling on, or engaging in overkill, let me tell you, more urban legends, at least say, a decade or two ago, were started or embellished and kept going by, you guessed it, religious fruitcakes.

Drilling To Hell

I really don’t know how this got started. I mean, humans do stupid things to the earth. One party drilled through the bottom of the Chesapeake Bay. Beneath it they found an ancient body of water with fierce salinity levels, and any leakage substantial enough could have killed just about every kind of life in the bay. It was a reckless endeavor but I’ve read nothing about it recently. I know that the sample did have ancient microbes, but that’s it. I’m not bothering to research it because I want to talk about a drilling project that took place, supposedly, in Soviet Russia.

I’ve never really understood what the bore was supposed to find, but it’s been said that they were using it to get to the earth’s core, which simply is not possible. At a certain depth, the “real” story goes, they hit rock that proved to be too much for the drill (maybe they were looking for chakra crystals? Scientific studies revealed that crystals have no power to heal or restore vigor or ill health beyond the placebo effect).

There was nothing to do but seal off the bore hole and truck the equipment back to its home.

As you’ll see in the following video, what happened next grew legs and turned the abandoned shaft into the tunnel to Hell.

Way back in the MySpace days someone posted a recording of the “souls” down in Hell and what sounded like a woman ordering others to do things. It’s different than the one in the following video, but just wait until you get to the part where he tells you who propelled this nothing into a still-repeated, godawful lie, then to an urban legend that pastors still use to scare the shit out of people so they’ll pay up at the offering plate in order to buy their way to Heaven.

Things are never what a good story says they are. Using manipulation and lies to convert new Christians is evil, disgusting, brazen.

The Insanity Has Spread

Russia has stated that “Donald Trump is our agent” and calls the FBI raid on his Florida estate (I won’t use the name anymore because it’s such a stupid fucking name) “persecution”.

Hell, we knew that from the beginning. Come on, Putin, hurry up before your STDs kill your psycho ass, and tell us something we don’t know. Oops. I did say STDs, didn’t I? Well that’s rather silly of me, innit?

I don’t know what’s eating him. But sure as Billy goats try to hump girls on bicycles, something’s got Putin. I shouldn’t have said STDs. That was very immature of me. But I enjoyed it.

See, it’s like this. I hate lies. I hate dishonesty in every form. Just tell the fucking truth. Don’t bother with philosophy or bullshit like “the truth will set you free” because sometimes telling the truth lands you in a prison cell.

I don’t know why. It’s beyond all my abilities to analyze as to the level of rabid commitment people have to Donald Trump. He is a boob and a douchebag. He’s a swine, yet people have breached this country’s Capitol building and gone to prison for it. Before that, several dumbasses went to jail then prison for various things done in his 2016 campaign. They all thought he would give them pardons, but Trump does not live to be loyal. He lives for others to be loyal to him, without question. During his term (and new tell-all books are being published like kernels in a carnival popcorn machine) he actually asked, “Why can’t people treat me like Hitler?”.

But some do. And a man got shot by FBI agents because the FBI raided Trump’s home so he declared all Feds should die and then quite astonishingly tried to enter a field office. The chase ended with him being shot to death. I’m of the mind that if you’re willing to die for a cause, the only legitimate one is protecting someone else in imminent danger. And I would do that which is why I carry a blade. Don’t judge me — it might be you I fight for. I’m too banged-up to fight, fuck or run a footrace, but never doubt that I would do the honorable thing should you be in danger.

And there are millions just like me.

But the Aryans, Nazis and other hate groups including the far-right churches, they’ll do the opposite. You don’t matter. But to them, Trump is the messiah and must be restored to his rightful throne. To this end they’ve already killed, and are calling for a civil war. That’s three things: terrifying, laughable and incredibly tragic.

As far as Russia claiming to own Trump, that’s a smoking gun. They know better than Trump does what’s in those files, because he’s too stupid to. He can barely read; remember that he asked for his briefings to include more maps and pictures? What a simpleton.

We will see where this goes, but I don’t think he’s getting off this time. He scared and beat this country down with bunk, but sometimes, nothing can stop the truth from being revealed.

And remember, the first step toward wisdom can only come from first admitting that you’re fool. Donald Trump will never know that simple, universal truth.

Til next time, stay safe, stay aware, and be well.