Ted Cruz And The Great Muppet War

I really don’t know how to write this. When faced with stupidity, I often cut some slack because we all do and say stupid things. Nobody is perfect.

But then you have Senator Ted Cruz from Texas, a man so devoid of intelligence that he cannot even manage to win a war against muppets, a war he himself started.

It began when Cruz was on Twitter, seeking something to rant about. And he found it, but this was not his first fight with a muppet. He should have learned from it, but apparently something happened after that first round, and it made him seek revenge. Big Bird of Sesame Street had gotten his or her (I’m not sure, having never watched the show) COVID-19 vaccine. Cruz accused the government of unduly influencing parents to get their children vaccinated. And that’s because Sesame Street runs on PBS, a government funded entity.

I don’t know if Big Bird kicked him in his useless testicles or what, but Cruz began following the characters on Twitter.

A United States senator…

was stalking muppets on the internet.

Let that sink in.

Elmo recently asked his muppet-daddy about the COVID-19 vaccine. He got the shot. He announced it.

And the muppet-stalking, castrated-by-a-muppet-bird-kick senator pounced.

Against all science, he said, the toddler had taken a shot not meant for muppets that young.

In fact, the vaccines have been approved for all muppets 6 months of age and above. But Cruz doesn’t care about that because he doesn’t believe it. He’s also terrified that if muppets keep surviving COVID-19, it will make his former president, Donald Trump, look bad. Some people who claim inside knowledge say a lotta muppets died while Trump was president.

This devotion to Trump is incredible after Trump emasculated him repeatedly. Ted Cruz is far too stupid to even know when he’s been insulted. Of course he realized something was wrong because he sucked up to Trump like a lamprey on a swimmer.

And so, this time, Cruz wanted blood.

This time he did his research.

He should never have done that.

A satire site ran the headline that Elmo had died due to myocarditis. The chance of having that condition after a vaccine is far less than a one percent number. More like a 0.001. And dying of it is not an absolute outcome.

Cruz also read this and forgot that muppets don’t have hearts, so they don’t have myocardial anything.

He shared the story on Twitter and wrote, “I wish this were satire.”

It was satire. Could it be that the man who doesn’t feel anything for others, who fled the country while his constituents were freezing without power, somehow believed Elmo was dead and felt sad about it? “I wish this were satire.”

Senator Cruz is not the only man who can lose a war against muppets: they’re honest, good, wholesome, smart and cute; all the things that Senator Cruz isn’t. But Senator Cruz is the only man who could lose that war simply because he hates them so much that he reaches for the first thing he sees that will back him up without even checking out what it is.

Cruz is so dense that he actually thought a muppet was dead from a vaccine reaction.

Muppets, however, cannot die.

And if his wish that the news of Elmo’s death were satire was sincere, it indicates sadness. So he likes muppets.

Then why did he wage a Twitter war against them?

The worst part is not that he’s an apparent anti-vaxxer. Or even that he believes “The best site for fake news you can trust” is real. Or that muppets can have fatal reactions to COVID-19 vaccines. No.

The worst part is that a man this fucking stupid still gets to vote in the senate chamber.