Today Is Not A Good Day

Today is not a good day.
Today I am in more pain than yesterday. I feel like being mean to others because I am hurt and I am angry.

I am angry because I hurt. I see no reason to hurt. I feel I don’t deserve to hurt. I think that maybe I have had too much pain in my life. Too much hurt.

It’s okay if I feel that way. People can take a lot of pain but in truth, there’s times when it gets worse than I can bear.

I don’t think it makes me weak. I don’t think it means I’m a bad person. I think it means that I’m human, and nothing more, and nothing less.

I think it’s okay for me to be angry at Donald Trump for making Congress and the Senate limit the stimulus money to so little money for individuals. I think people aren’t sure who to blame for it when it really is Trump who wouldn’t sign the bill if it was different.

I think people are angry because they’re scared. They don’t have enough money, and they’re out of work, and they get worried that they will not be able to stay in their homes and apartments, and it’s okay to be scared. And it’s okay to feel angry.

But sometimes we need to do something with that anger so it doesn’t make us sick because too much anger inside is a very bad thing.

You can go into the woods and scream at the sky. You can take a walk and end up running even if you’re not dressed for running.

I don’t think it’s okay to be mean to others just because they believe in things you don’t. That already causes enough trouble. It’s always made all of our problems worse.

So you can see why I’m angry too. I’m in pain and I’m very angry. I’m also very sad. It’s a lot to try to control all at once. And that’s how life works.

But why am I angry? I don’t know. Maybe because of the pain. Maybe from my memories. Maybe from something else too.

And why am I sad? I know some of the reasons. One is that my children are not alive now. Unnatural death of a loved one hurts and shocks us and we never get to say the things to them that we meant to say. Things like “I love you”, or “I’m sorry I didn’t do better”. They leave us with no feeling that we can put it behind us and deal with our sadness that they’re gone. A lot of people talk about something called “closure” and I don’t know what they mean by that.

Because after someone we love is gone from our lives, we feel the same way no matter what. Sad and angry and very hurt. And I think they need to see that it’s okay. No one ever leaves our lives without taking part of us with them and leaving questions that we ask unanswered. It’s a part of life.

But that’s okay.

And what we do with our anger and our sadness can change the whole world. Sometimes that happens. A person who feels sad all the time can be famous. Like Abraham Lincoln. He had a lot of sadness and anxiety. He had trouble sleeping because of it. Yet today the United States exist because of what he did with his sadness and his anger.

Some people wrote beautiful poems and concertos because they were so sad. And we never stopped loving them because we still read those poems and listen to music when we feel sad. The right words and the right notes can make us cry, and that can help heal pain and sadness.

I think doing nothing at all is okay too. Some people just need to rest and sleep. That’s a big part of life.

Later on, those who rest will do things that might even change the world. That’s a blessing. Out of pain and anger we can all be healed. The things that hurt us the most are the things that make us what we are and who we are.

We all need to heal as Christmas is upon us, and I think it’s okay to play the songs we love and put up lights and give a gift, even if it is not much to you. To someone else it will mean a lot.

It’s also okay to dream. Good dreams about what we will do when we feel just a little bit better. It’s okay to dream about Santa Claus and flying reindeer and it’s okay to believe in unicorns and fairies and magical things.

It’s okay if you have pain. It is a part of life. Even death is a part of life. It is okay to be angry. So angry that you feel like hurting yourself or someone else.

What matters is what you do with that pain and anger. That’s up to you.

It always will be.

I feel angry today. I’m in a lot of pain, way too much. I don’t like it.

But I think it’s okay anyway. Tomorrow I might be able to handle it better. I might not even have this much hurt.