That Time I Accidentally Made A Lava Lamp

When medications aren’t dialed in just right, it’s really sad. People with mental illness can be difficult. Annoying. And sometimes really stupid.

One morning I was cooking scrapple and scrambled eggs. I cracked two eggs into a bowl but I didn’t beat them yet. I was missing something. I thought, Milk. Scrambled eggs need milk.

I didn’t have any, though; at the time I was using Coffee Mate in my coffee. So I thought, coffee creamer…milk.

I put a teaspoon of it in the bowl. I had to turn to my side and flip the scrapple, so I did. But when I turned back a scary sight met my eyes.

In the egg white, little bubbles…no, little marbles of actual white were slowly riding through the albumen to the top.

I panicked; I’d never seen anything like it before. Had I bought eggs with undeveloped embryos?

As I watched in total horror, the white marbles began to absorb each other. They’d connect, stretch with a blob on the bottom, thinning into a connection with the blob on the top. Moving slowly. And it kept generating more blobs, and they did the same thing!

I was horrified! What had I done? Had I somehow created some living thing by accident? Would it continue to grow and escape from the bowl and chase people like The Blob?

My scrapple was burning. I took the skillet off the burner. I looked back. The white blobs were still moving!

What the fuck! It looked just like I’d made a lava lamp! I wasn’t eating this shit!

I emptied the bowl into the trash and threw away the Coffee Mate. Scraped off the scrapple. I’ve never used Coffee Mate since. And I don’t eat scrapple.

I saw my doctor. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was always losing my memory and I fell a lot. I was referred to a neurologist. He said I watched too much TV, the fucker. When you have times when you don’t even know your own name, when you’re walking home and suddenly don’t know where you are, when you black out, you ain’t watching too much TV. Something is wrong. One other thing he said, though, was that the drug Lyrica could be responsible. I’m not gonna say I became a good cook, but I discontinued the Lyrica and the memory blanks and falling down stopped.

Oh, one more thing.

I hate lava lamps.